Leave Signs Where They Belong

If someone is nice to you, don’t automatically take that as confirmation that they like you. Know someone is into you when they tell you so, rather than gathering a hundred “signs” and making an assumption. Signs are intended to indicate whether or not a ski slope is one you would like to attempt, they are to keep drivers safe on the road, and they are created to make sure people refrain from littering the beach.

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Now, I know this all sounds so harsh and like I’m not being very sensitive… I can so empathize with those who think someone is into you, only to learn they just have a naturally flirty personality. On the flipside, though, I’ve also had people think that I like them when I’m only trying to be nice or make a new friend. Both scenarios are really tough, but I have a little advice that I think might be helpful for dealing with either.

Some people are incredibly great at reading others, but they still can’t possibly have a completely foolproof system at knowing what other people are thinking. One person is different from the next, so the best way to know for sure how someone feels about you is by having an open conversation and asking them.

This does get tough, though, because you don’t want to be creepy about it or come on too strong. There’s a time and place for conversations like this, and having one with someone you don’t know very well will almost surely scare them off.

A good rule of thumb could be that if you feel like someone is taking over your entire dating life — without being exclusive with them — you might want to take the leap and ask what they’re thinking about your relationship. You definitely don’t want to waste a ton of time on someone who isn’t ready to be exclusive if that’s what you’re looking for, but it also does takes some time to build a foundation and get to know someone before jumping into a relationship. Next week I am going to be talking a little bit about how to determine whether or not the person you like could be worth pursuing, and how to think with your brain even when your emotions try to take the lead.

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Today’s lesson: Leave signs where they belong — on highways, hiking trails, and at subway systems. Start taking what people say — or don’t say — at face value and don’t let others play games with your heart. Communication is certainly key in a healthy relationship, so it is important that you don’t find yourself feeling like you’re constantly left in the dark with someone you like because they are sending mixed signals.

Once you take your power back you begin to realize that you may not be able to control whether or not your crush likes you, but you can control how you respond to the way he treats you in a way you’re proud of. If he doesn’t ever call or text you first to make plans, maybe it’s time you go radiosilent and spend that time you used to think about him meeting new people — until you find someone who realizes what a great catch you are and does call you to make plans!


IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: I’M MOVING!

In just a couple of weeks I will no longer be on this website. My dating life changed a loooong time ago, so I am finally taking the time to make some changes that reflect this and moving my site to KristaLauren.com (As I have mentioned before I would have done this a lot sooner, but I am technologically challenged and 10 times out of 10 prefer to write instead of work on my site). Make sure you sign up to receive emails for my posts, like my Facebook page, or bookmark my new site if you want to stay a part of my Single in The Suburbs family. 🙂

“Bean” The Marine

Apparently I have a thing for military guys — noted.

When I first started dating again after my ex and I broke up I realized quickly how many people you don’t click with online. Whether it’s because you have different morals or nothing in common personality-wise, I learned that although talking to a bunch of guys was a lot of fun, it took some work to find people who might have a chance at working out for a second date.

I started off my dating ventures giving a lot of people very different than me a chance. I think you can learn a lot from people who aren’t like you, so I enjoyed meeting people from all different walks of life. After being on a handful of first dates that didn’t materialize into anything I realized I wanted to go out with someone who was more or less on the same page as me.

Then I met “Bean.” Obviously I changed the name and won’t mention where we met, but his name was something that rhymes with “Bean.” You’re smart– you can figure it out. 😉

Bean was smart, witty, loved dogs, and yes — he was hot.

We had a deeper connection than most of my other online conversations, and I was actually really excited about going on a date with him. I daydreamed about going on a date with Bean and felt like regardless of what happened after, it would be nice to have a really good first date with someone. And sparks! It can be difficult to tell whether or not you’ll have chemistry with someone you’re chatting with through a computer screen, but I had a good feeling about this one.

As we were talking about our favorite books — we happened to have a few in common — he asked me for my number. Finally! I thought. It’s about time he asked me out!

Another thing that drew me in to this mysterious marine was that he didn’t just jump right on asking me out. He made me wait a little, which is actually quite intriguing. Kind of like a first kiss, it’s nice letting the anticipation build up a little bit before going in for the kill.*

I sent him my number and waited for the text… And waited. And waited.

What the heck? It had been a few days since our last contact, and it was becoming pretty clear that Bean wasn’t going to be messaging me.

At first I was really disappointed. This guy had been one of the first people who really got me excited about a first date. Then I realized a few things. First, I didn’t really know this guy. The things I knew about him were:

  1. He was cute
  2. He had good taste in books
  3. He was a Marine
  4. He had good grammar

That was about it. Sure I had a little crush and that was okay, but it was more of a Theo James kind of crush — because let’s be real, I think I tricked myself into thinking this guy was “such a great match” because he was someone I thought was super-attractive.

I don’t know what happened to Bean. I’ve seen him on a few different dating apps, but haven’t tried to pursue that any further. We weren’t a match, he never texted me, and you know what? That’s just fine. There are a million other fish in the sea.

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*Guys, don’t take this as a tip to make a girl work too hard for you, though — that’s not a good idea either, as we’ll just move on if we think a guy is uninterested. There is a very precise art to playing “the waiting game,” and I don’t want you to miss a shot with someone you really like because you’re playing games with her. This is more of a “playing it cool” technique.