Hope For The Brokenhearted

You know what completely blows my mind?

How little I think of my exes. Especially the ones who were in my life for a very long time.

Gosh, I remember before we broke up and I knew it was coming how devastated I felt. I began to grieve the loss of our relationship before it was even over.

One night in particular we went to a playground at my alma matter. This was “our spot,” and I absolutely loved the nights we spent sitting on the swings, gazing at the stars, and talking about our future together when we had been dating awhile. I remember those nights so vividly. I remember the songs we’d play over and over again, and I remember the feeling I got in the pit of my stomach when he finally told me what his future was going to look like — whether or not I was going to be a part of his plan was up to me, but there was no room for compromise.

I remember storming off in tears, and how it felt to not be chased after or the thing that he wanted more than anything else in life anymore. That was the exact moment I realized I wasn’t a priority. I remember the dozens of conversations that followed — and giving away whatever dignity I had left in the relationship to chase this boy anywhere his heart desired, even though his dreams weren’t remotely close to my own.

Somehow after months of chasing him around and losing battle after battle, we broke up. Something that I never would have known back then is that my heart was more broken when we were together than after we broke up. I would have been surprised to know that my heart could heal and feel whole again without him. I didn’t need “the love of my life” to feel like a complete person (And later I would find out that he was most definitely not the person I would love most in this world. Not even close.). I could have never imagined that the man who once absolutely consumed my mind — the very same guy I was terrified to break up with — rarely crosses it anymore. Healing is such a beautiful thing.

The reason I decided to write a little blurb about this today was because I realized that there are people who are in this exact situation today. There are people who are stuck in depressing, unfair, selfish relationships, who don’t know how to leave. Leaving someone is one of the scariest things you can do; I get it. Once they’re gone you may never get them back, but sometimes that is the most wonderful thing that will ever happen to you. Don’t stay in a relationship just because you’re scared that something great won’t happen to you twice. Even if you lose an amazing person for whatever reason, I promise you that there are other people in this enormous world who will be a great fit for you too.

It gives me chills to think that if I hadn’t broken up with my ex I may not have met someone I think is one of the most amazing people in the world. Literally, if we had held on for another month or two like I had wanted, I wouldn’t have ever met Robert.

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Today’s lesson: If you’re one of those people in a relationship you just know is harmful don’t give him another second of your time. Rip it off like a band-aid! It will hurt like hell, but you will get over it and you will be happy again. One day you’ll see something that reminds you of him and wonder how long it’s been since you last thought of him. You’ll realize that instead of invoking a painful thought, it has just become a memory of someone who used to be in your life. That, my friend, is the beauty of moving on.

Dealing With Depression

This post is from about a year ago, and I finally feel like I want to share it with you all. Depression isn’t something that you can see when you look at a person. I started carrying this weight towards the beginning of the end of my last relationship and as soon as my ex and I broke up I snapped out of it.

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This picture breaks my heart, as it was taken at one of the darkest points in my life, but I look so happy in it. It’s one of the most “liked” pictures on my Facebook, and shows that you really don’t always know what someone might be going through.

Depression can be a chemical imbalance in your brain, but it can also be related to crummy circumstances in your life. I feel like we don’t hear about that side as often, and I want anyone who is in a situation like mine was to know that life can and will get better.

Since the breakup I have felt like myself again. I have normal feelings, I have been happy, I have been content, and I can feel again.

I know not all of you can relate to this, but I always feel like I want to help the ones who can realize that they are absolutely not alone. I know it feels like you are, but I promise you are not alone. I will gladly be there for each and every one of you who needs someone to lean on and although I can’t get rid of the problem for you, I’m more than happy to fight with you to get your life back.

Without further ado, here is something I wrote in December 2014 right in the middle of everything:

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I never thought I would hear this about myself, but I was just diagnosed with depression.

This is a very tough pill to swallow because I have always tried my best to remain positive even in the most trying situations. First, I would like to say that I realize this is NOT MY FAULT.  So please, if you are suffering with this too, realize that nothing is wrong with you. You are not broken and you are not less of a person because of this. Depression does not define me and it does not decide who I am as a person.

I’ve had a lot to deal with the past two years. My life has been turned completely upside down and to be honest I am surprised that I didn’t have to battle this even sooner. It really just became a problem that escalated quickly in the last few months.

I’ve said to friends that although I have sometimes felt frustrated about things since getting POTS, I haven’t been depressed. I’ve told them that I feel lucky that I haven’t had to deal with that throughout my chronic illness, and that I was fairly certain that kind of thing wouldn’t happen to me. But here I am.

Depression can happen to absolutely anyone. It doesn’t mean you are weak, and it doesn’t mean that you are going to be depressing to be around. I will write more about that another day, though.

I’ve never felt as alone as I have the past couple months. Sometimes I feel like I am in a fog or just dreaming. Life feels like it is just going through the motions of daily activities that need to be done, and I don’t feel motivated to pursue my passions. I have moments of happiness, but it isn’t the way it used to be. I sometimes feel completely numb, and I sometimes just feel the most extreme kind of sad and helpless that a person can feel.

The lack of motivation might be the worst part. I can sit at home and watch TV, but I don’t really care about what’s on. I actually hate watching TV — it bores me — but I don’t want to do anything else. I have trouble feeling present.

It’s hard getting up and doing things, but I make myself because in the back of my mind I know that I want to live my life to it’s fullest. I know that deep down the normal Krista is cheering me on and pushing me to make a better life for myself, even though I don’t necessarily feel like it.

Depression is by far the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in my life. I feel so broken, but I know that am going to come out of this even stronger than I was before. Deep down I am a fighter, and I won’t stop until I find myself again.

I just want you to know that if you are dealing with anything like this, you are not alone. I still consider myself one of the most joyful people that I know, and I will not give up until I find that girl again.

This is the first post I’ve truly felt uncomfortable sharing. I’ve gone back and forth for weeks on whether I wanted to share such an intimate and personal aspect of my life with, well, everyone.*

I think it was important to share, though. I know not everyone is as lucky as I am to have so many people supporting them through life, and I don’t ever want any of you to feel alone in dealing with something like this. If you ever want someone to talk to I would love to be that person. We are never truly alone, and I promise things can and will get better. I’m confident that this is just going to be another chapter in my life that I’ll be able to use to glorify God one day. I’m just not really sure how yet.
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*I was going to share this on Facebook about a year ago, but never did. Then when I felt better about things, I didn’t want people getting the wrong idea about who I am today and whether or not I was still depressed. I can tell you that I am in a completely different place in my life now and although I still have my chronic illness to deal with, I feel like Krista again.