It’s late. Everyone is sound asleep and I feel alone. I’m in more pain than usual; you never get used to pain, but do notice when it’s particularly worse.
A lasting ache can take over your body and slowly destroy the healthy things you have left. You begin to lose sleep, which makes it really hard to function during the day and makes the pain even more unbearable.
I’m mad at God.
People say He can take it and I hope that’s true. I hope this doesn’t make Him mad at me. My heart hurts and I feel like God doesn’t care about me anymore. My prayers aren’t working, so I’ve asked other people — more diligent Christians — to pray for me.
My faith has been put to the test and I am failing. I want it back more than anything but I don’t understand why God isn’t healing me, and that is breaking me.
Please pray for me. I want more than anything to feel strong in my faith regardless of what is going on in this world.
I called my best friend late last night in tears as I felt frustrated and angry about my chronic illness. It’s hard to be in pain all the time and it is exhausting being sick without ever getting a break.
This morning I woke up with a text from her to check my mailbox and found a package with her favorite gluten-free snacks (I just started a GF diet to see if it might help my pain), a Star Wars mug, a frame with me and my special date, and a beautiful card. I teared up as this present came with an incredible reminder — life is not fair. I don’t have a properly working body, and I don’t have a normal life for a twentysomething. What I do have, though, is an unfair number of people who love and care about me. That is something I feel blessed for each and every day. I am going to end there, as I cannot even put into words how thankful I feel for the love and support I have.
This week I’m going to be writing more about faith and frustration.
I’m a little nervous, as some of the things I have written are very personal and scary to address, but I would love to share my journey with Jesus with my readers — I don’t think it will be quite what you would expect from me.