Thriving During Your Breakup

We all hear tips about “surviving your breakup,” which is sometimes necessary in the very beginning when wounds are fresh and still open. After you take a little time to mourn the loss of your relationship, though, it’s time to get back on your feet and realize you are not only going to still make it in this world, but you are going to kick ass.

Hopefully you have a good squad to help you get through this rough time, but I decided to make this small list in case you need someone to remind you that everything isn’t just going to be okay — it’s going to be great.

1. Realize that although it hurts and you might miss your ex, this was the right decision. Something wasn’t working in your relationship, whether it was on your end, on his, or both.

2. Which leads to the realization that this was not the person you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with. Do you know what this means? You just made room for someone even more amazing and incredible! It may take time to find them, but I definitely believe there are several people who would work with each person. That was certainly not your one and only chance to find love.

3. There are so many other people in your life who love and care for you. Share your time and experiences with them awhile before looking for another relationship. Always remember to keep these people in your life whether you are or are not dating someone. Friends can be forever, while boyfriends aren’t necessarily always going to be around.

Screen Shot 2016-08-10 at 12.33.14 PM

4. You get to spend your entire life with yourself! When my ex and I broke up I went to my room, looked in my mirror through my tears and smiled because I realized that although he didn’t get to have me around anymore, I still get to be with myself — for forever! Learning to love yourself while you’re single is so important so you can feel okay even if things end with a SO.

5. You. Will. Be. Okay. Take a deep breath and realize that although you feel all kinds of broken that time does help you heal. I seriously thought my broken heart would never be fixed, but here I am almost a year later feeling so much better than I did in a messy relationship. The time I used to spend feeling sick thinking about my ex when we were together I now fill with experiences, friends, and love.

I tell every single one of my friends that if I of all people can get through heartbreak, anyone can. I have very strong feelings, whether they’re up or down, and I used to think dealing with a breakup would just about kill me. But it didn’t even come close. That breakup was one of the toughest things I ever had to do, but I have come out the other side stronger, wiser, and more compassionate than I was before. Now I’m enjoying my life, and open to meeting my real Mr. Right.

Men Are Not Dogs

Well this is a strange headline, huh?

What I mean by “men are not dogs” is that men, unlike dogs, do not need to be trained. Yes, they should be raised to be respectful and kind, but when you are looking for a grown man to date you should absolutely not go into it with a mindset that you need to teach him how to treat you.

“I can train him to buy me flowers,” or open doors, or hold my hand, or [insert task you want your dream boyfriend to do]. It isn’t your job to mother a man, and one really surefire reality of life is that you can rarely change another person. Sure you can tell someone what you like and watch their actions closely after a conversation, but you should never go into a relationship expecting someone to change a laundry list of things for you.

I’m going to share a personal anecdote to show how I learned this lesson the hard way.

I used to date someone I really liked, but our relationship just didn’t feel  very romantic. I am someone who absolutely loves the little things in life. I adore little gestures that say “I love you” like leaving each other notes, cooking for one another, and yes — I love chivalry.

Boy #1

This first person that I dated wasn’t into showing me he loved me in any of the ways my heart wanted. I remember even telling him at one point that I thought it was nice when he opened the car door for me and I really appreciated when guys did that; this struck a pretty strong nerve for him. #1 told me he didn’t know why in the world I wanted him to do something like that and that it wasn’t worth fighting about.  I didn’t realize something like this was fight-worthy, I thought to myself. I wasn’t trying to argue, I just thought it would be nice for him to know that I appreciated the gesture so there might be a repeat. Later I realized “the door” wasn’t really even about the door at all. It was about the pile of things I felt I wasn’t getting out of this relationship. That was the most one-sided relationship I have ever been in, and although I gave up so many of my dreams for this gentleman (huge mistake; I will write about this another day!), bought him presents and little gift baskets to show that I cared, and even abided to his wishes of talking to him less,* I never felt fulfilled in our relationship, even when he did.

This wasn’t because he was doing anything wrong, though. He just didn’t show love in the ways I need to feel loved. Back then I thought I was being kind by giving him “tips” on simple ways to love me in ways I understood better, but now I realize we just weren’t the right fit.

I want someone who will remember our anniversaries and enjoy celebrating them together, someone who gives me his time, and someone who is as kind and caring to me as I am to him.

*In hindsight it is hilarious that I once “showed someone I loved them” by agreeing to cut off most of our communication.

Gentleman #2

This second person is the complete opposite of #1. He is someone I’ve often wondered how I had the pleasure of meeting, as he is one of the kindest and most thoughtful people I have ever met.

On our first date he was chivalrous, but this behavior continued seamlessly into our 30th date. He opened my car door any time we went out, always wanted to be the one to pick me up and take me out, and goes above and beyond to show me that he cares. He has written me letters, cooked complicated five course Italian dinners, and often called me during his lunch breaks just to say “hello.” This is someone I think is so incredibly special that I don’t know how I got lucky enough to meet him and see that many of the sweet little joys in life aren’t just “Krista things” that are unrealistic traits to want in a boyfriend. There are men out there who are a million times better than the ones you see in the movies. They’re real, raw, and far from perfect, but they love you so fiercely there isn’t any room for you to question where you stand in their life.

Screen Shot 2016-08-08 at 10.14.06 AM.png

Today’s lesson: Dogs are smart, loyal, and loving companions. You really can’t expect any human to measure up to this amazing animal, but wait for the person who does make you feel loved in the same way your dog loves you. This is a kind and selfless love with so much joy that your heart feels like it might explode.

In The Zone

One of the first dates I went on when I was single again was with a gentleman one of my best friends set me up with. She told him I was “recently single,” and ready to start casually dating.

Our date went really well — we went out for coffee and shared some laughs. It went so well, in fact, that we decided to hang out longer and get lunch afterwards.

The lunch portion of the date was nice and we enjoyed more conversation outside on a beautiful day. We walked around an outdoor shopping center and made it our mission to pet twenty dogs while we were there. We didn’t quite reach our goal, but I had a nice time regardless.

I finally got dropped off at home, thanked my date for a nice time, and didn’t give the event too much thought — until I realized a few days later that he hadn’t texted me. I hadn’t been on many dates then, so wasn’t sure whether or not he was “supposed to” reach out so soon or not. The other two guys I had been out with had texted that same evening saying that they had a nice time with me, but this fellow was radio silent.

I decided to give it a few weeks and just see if he would reach out again.

He didn’t.

I had genuinely enjoyed our day together and I wasn’t devastated about not being asked on a second date, but I thought that he and I would make good friends — we both like pranks, have a similar sense of humor, and are kind of sassy (And the guy equivalent of sassy, whatever the heck that is), so I decided to text him. I said something along the lines of,

“So it’s totally fine if you aren’t into going on another date, but I had a great time with you last week and would love to be friends if you’d like to hang out again!”

He didn’t reply for a day or two, then finally just said something like, “I am sure I’ll see you around sometime.”

Yep. This guy doesn’t ever want to hang out.

At first I was a bit taken aback; I had never really had to deal with rejection in the dating world before that, and I certainly haven’t ever had anyone tell me they didn’t want to be friends (I could definitely read between the lines).

I realized after all of this that obviously most of the guys I see will not work out. I just need one of them to eventually stick. Just one! I’d say we all have pretty great odds of that happening.

Today’s lesson:  Don’t get too hung up on people who aren’t into you. This goes both ways; you won’t want to be with the majority of people you meet either, and that just makes it even more special when you do find someone you are crazy about who feels the same way about you.

Do you think it’s weird to ask someone you went on one date with if they want to be friends? This brings the age old question to surface: Can guys and girls be just friends? I would answer yes, but have heard it argued both ways.

Krista The Cougar

I just had something very confusing happen to me.

Since I’ve been single a lot of people have been trying to set me up with their friends (And sons, and nephews, and brothers, etc. — I guess I am not the only one who likes matchmaking).

Anyway, I was a bit surprised when a particular friend said she had the perfect person to set me up with, but I’m always game for meeting a perfect guy. Or really, a perfect human for that matter, as I would have a million questions about life for them. I’m sure a perfect person would give incredible advice.

Theo James
Theo James is the only man I can imagine being perfect. British, unbelievably handsome, and he sings and plays the guitar.

She set everything up, and we met at a local coffee shop.

Soon after meeting we both realized we didn’t have a lot in common. Why? Because he was twenty! This was a borderline illegal setup.

I’m only 24, and many of the guys I have been talking to have been 28. It’s still just four years, but anyone out of college knows what a difference the age gap this gentleman and I shared looks like versus the age gap of two people in the postgraduate world. He is smack in the middle of his undergraduate experience and cannot yet experience alcohol legally, and I am quickly getting over going to dive bars. He is excited to turn 21 next month, and I think getting carded is just a nuisance (I know I look like I’m 18, but I promise I am legal!).

Luckily he and I both realized the hilarity of the setup, and we ended up talking about my experience at George Mason and how he could manage to have a great study abroad experience like I did. We are friends now, and although I will not be helping him get his hands on alcohol, we might pull a few pranks on his roommates together.

Today’s lesson: Most people are terrible at setting others up; it’s not just me.

I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost!

I was right!!!

I know those aren’t unusual words for a female to utter, but this was with a bet I had going with a bunch of other girls.

Remember how I talked about getting ghosted recently?

To recap, I sent my date a text after we hadn’t talked in about two weeks. He and I had a really nice date, and I was kind of confused as to why he wouldn’t want to go on a second one with me.

My only thought was that he did live kind of far away, so maybe that was deterring him from going on another date. But why wouldn’t he just text me and let me know if that was the case?

Some of my friends thought he might have found someone else. Others thought he got the vibe I wasn’t into hooking up, so lost interest. I have really great friends, so none of them suggested that he didn’t like me, which could have also easily been the case. I think that’s what most people who get ghosted feel is the issue, but I am on a mission to prove them wrong.

As I stated in my last post, I don’t think anything has to even go wrong on a date for someone to get ghosted. It could be something you can’t really control, like a lack of chemistry, or your date just has something else going on in his life.

Ready to see what he sent me? Remember, I had to text him first to get this mystery solved. Most people never know why they don’t ever hear from a date again, but I’m willing to bet this is a pretty common reason.

Screen Shot 2015-10-17 at 4.28.18 PMScreen Shot 2015-10-17 at 4.29.04 PMScreen Shot 2015-10-18 at 2.53.30 PM

I really appreciated his honesty. He was a really nice guy, and I’m sure he’ll find his Tinderella somewhere closer to him. I do understand why you wouldn’t want to get too invested in someone you just met who lives so far away, and I respected his answer.

Today’s lesson: Don’t take it personally if someone ghosts you.  It probably isn’t something you did, so just pick yourself up and try again. There are plenty of other fish in the sea!

On the other end of things, instead of ghosting someone, just explain nicely that things just aren’t going to work out. If the person is a normal, mature adult they will understand.

Ghosting Isn’t Very Friendly, Casper.

I have a theory about ghosting.

I don’t think something has to go horribly wrong for someone to get ghosted. I think it’s usually a small, insignificant reason that has nothing to do with the ghosted individual.

I’ve decided to test my theory and put myself out there to try to find out the reason so many twentysomethings just stop getting texts after one, or even several, dates.

Here is what I sent to the first guy who has ever truly ghosted me. Feel free to offer constructive criticism, as I am planning on sending this sort of text to other men who ghost me in the future. Each date is so different that I will probably get a wide range of answers (from anyone brave enough to reply), and will keep y’all posted on what I find out.

ghost_text

Most of my friends don’t think he’s going to reply. I think he will. What are your thoughts?

Krista The Creeper

My detective skills have been on point since I started dating.

Like, I can usually find a lot of information on a guy with only knowing a few key things about him. For the most part this has been great because I’ve felt safe meeting up with everyone so far.

There is one particular fellow who I kind of wish I had been bad at finding.

I woke up at 5:15 the morning I was supposed to go to the beach with some friends. I was still kind of groggy, so decided to go on my phone until I was a little more alert to finish packing.

A guy I had been talking to for awhile online had finally given me his number, so naturally I clicked on it to add him to my contacts. Apple, you really dropped the ball in programming the iPhone… Instead of having an option to add his number to my contacts, my phone immediately started to call him!

I dropped the phone on my face in a panic (You know how that happens sometimes, right?), and it bounced onto the ground. I leaped to the floor to try to hang up, but before I was able to I heard a muffled, “Hello?”

Screen Shot 2015-09-16 at 1.12.12 PM

I waited a day to text him, but I’m sure he must have been able to put two and two together, as I have a pretty unique looking phone number. Oops.

That seems like something I can recover from still though, right?

Unfortunately we decided that we would meet up, so I began investigating. I happened upon his Facebook — I think you know where this is going — and accidentally friend requested him.

You can “undo” that, which I did quickly, but I got a text later joking me about friending him. Like, how creepy do I seem?! And guys say girls can’t be labeled as creepers… They just haven’t met me I guess.

We are still going out this weekend so I’ll write an update later if any of this comes up, but I am sure this dude must think I’m already obsessed with him or something. Yikes.

Today’s lesson: Guys must not care as much whether a girl is a creeper or not. What do y’all think; can a girl be a creep?