Survivor

I love Destiny’s Child’s songĀ  Survivor. It played as my anthem when I was going through a really difficult breakup, and I have even listened to it when I needed extra motivation to work towards getting better from my illness. The overall message of the song is that people can survive and work hard on their own, whether or not the person they think they need in life is around anymore.

There have been several times the past couple years where I’ve felt incredibly alone. Whether it was because of a friend I thought was going to be there no matter what not being around when I needed her or a breakup with someone I thought I had a long future with, I have been able to manage everything life has thrown at me thus far. It by no means has always been easy, but I have lived through every hard twist and turn that has been thrown my way.

I love writing about my experiences because I feel like I am an incredibly average person. I’m not someone who was born with a natural strong fire and determination burning in my soul, and faith is in no way an easy thing for me. I question the bad things that happen to good people in life; and I forget to thank God for my blessings, but still reach out when I need His help and support.

My blog feels like a very up and down journey of emotions, but that’s because those are the times that are worth writing about (And sometimes I write six things in a day but space out the posts so I don’t overwhelm my page with a zillion different feelings). Strong emotions are what connect to people, and they are what inspire artists to draw and paint and write and sing.

This week I’ve felt particularly like I’ve needed my boyfriend back in the states so that I can have someone to lean on. There have been moments throughout the deployment where I’ve really felt numb because I don’t always have someone to talk to or turn to here when the going gets tough. But you know what is so cool about this? I have learned that I can get through trying times, even without having someone right here by my side. I have learned that I am strong and I can get through the ups and downs of life without having a boyfriend or close friend here in my neck of the woods at all times to talk to at all times. God made the human heart a really strong and resilient thing, and sometimes life is amazing and lets our heart become enveloped in warmth and happiness, but other times feel darker and hopeless. It is so important to never let the darkness win. I am a very firm believer in praising Jesus through the good and the bad, even when it’s one of the hardest things we can do. I often don’t take my own advice — it’s freakingĀ hard — but I am working on it and finding that my heart is changing very slowly. The more I am able to put my life in God’s hands the more content I feel and find myself being able to live my life to glorify Him.

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Today’s lesson: Life rarely goes the way we want it to, but that doesn’t mean the end of our world is near. Learning to work hard and dance in the rain doesn’t make us delusional; it makes us stronger. Human beings are so resilient. You are so strong and can handle what life is throwing at you right now. Let us stay united as human beings — no matter what our differences are, and spread love in the world. That, my friends, is how we can make a difference as an individual. Always be kind.

Hope For The Brokenhearted

You know what completely blows my mind?

How little I think of my exes. Especially the ones who were in my life for a very long time.

Gosh, I remember before we broke up and I knew it was coming how devastated I felt. I began to grieve the loss of our relationship before it was even over.

One night in particular we went to a playground at my alma matter. This was “our spot,” and I absolutely loved the nights we spent sitting on the swings, gazing at the stars, and talking about our future together when we had been dating awhile. I remember those nights so vividly. I remember the songs we’d play over and over again, and I remember the feeling I got in the pit of my stomach when he finally told me what his future was going to look like — whether or not I was going to be a part of his plan was up to me, but there was no room for compromise.

I remember storming off in tears, and how it felt to not be chased after or the thing that he wanted more than anything else in life anymore. That was the exact moment I realized I wasn’t a priority. I remember the dozens of conversations that followed — and giving away whatever dignity I had left in the relationship to chase this boy anywhere his heart desired, even though his dreams weren’t remotely close to my own.

Somehow after months of chasing him around and losing battle after battle, we broke up. Something that I never would have known back then is that my heart was more broken when we were together than after we broke up. I would have been surprised to know that my heart could heal and feel whole again without him. I didn’t need “the love of my life” to feel like a complete person (And later I would find out that he was most definitely not the person I would love most in this world. Not even close.). I could have never imagined that the man who once absolutely consumed my mind — the very same guy I was terrified to break up with — rarely crosses it anymore. Healing is such a beautiful thing.

The reason I decided to write a little blurb about this today was because I realized that there are people who are in this exact situation today. There are people who are stuck in depressing, unfair, selfish relationships, who don’t know how to leave. Leaving someone is one of the scariest things you can do; I get it. Once they’re gone you may never get them back, but sometimes that is the most wonderful thing that will ever happen to you. Don’t stay in a relationship just because you’re scared that something great won’t happen to you twice. Even if you lose an amazing person for whatever reason, I promise you that there are other people in this enormous world who will be a great fit for you too.

It gives me chills to think that if I hadn’t broken up with my ex I may not have met someone I think is one of the most amazing people in the world. Literally, if we had held on for another month or two like I had wanted, I wouldn’t have ever met Robert.

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Today’s lesson: If you’re one of those people in a relationship you just know is harmful don’t give him another second of your time. Rip it off like a band-aid! It will hurt like hell, but you will get over it and you will be happy again. One day you’ll see something that reminds you of him and wonder how long it’s been since you last thought of him. You’ll realize that instead of invoking a painful thought, it has just become a memory of someone who used to be in your life. That, my friend, is the beauty of moving on.