Tag: psalm

Am I Worth Less?

~ kristalauren ~ 18 Comments

One of the hardest parts about having a chronic illness is feeling like I have less value because I am not contributing as much to the community as my peers. Before I got sick I was working toward pursuing a career in journalism. I took internships, worked part time at a newspaper, and was excited to continue my journey working at Seventeen magazine to hopefully impact young women in a positive way. I have always felt that words are one of the most powerful tools we have, and all of us have a wonderful opportunity to lift others up and make them feel less alone in this big world.

I always dread the question, “So, what do you do?” when I meet someone new. I hate explaining right off the bat, “Well, I got sick when I graduated from college, so I’m trying to get back on my feet and am working on getting my health in line.” Over five years later now I have made leaps and bounds in progress, but I still am figuring out how to manage what I’ve begun to accept as my new normal. Not only is my answer incredibly awkward, but I also just feel so lame not having a cool job or anything to show for my life. I worked so freaking hard before I got sick and have absolutely nothing to show for it anymore. The internship I had at a national news company isn’t relevant anymore, and my job at Seventeen wasn’t able to materialize into what it could have because I couldn’t even walk down the driveway to the mailbox when I first got sick. My illness didn’t just take my body away from me; it took away every sense of normalcy I had ever worked to create. I have nothing to be proud of, and feels like I can’t make an adequate contribution to society anymore. I have relied on others to take care of me, when all I have ever wanted to do was be able to take care of others.

If anyone who had a chronic illness told me they felt worthless, my heart would feel completely broken and I would try as hard as I possibly could to show them what an enormous, ugly lie that was. People shouldn’t feel like they don’t have worth in this world just because their body doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to. Our value does not reside in what we do — or don’t do — for a living, and people can still change lives when their bodies don’t work properly.

Whether or not you are a Christian, I think the Bible has a really beautiful sentiment about our worth as human beings. Psalm 139: 13-14 says, “For You [God] formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well.” This doesn’t say that we have value because of our job or what we do; it says we were born having value. We are made in God’s image, and He only creates beauty for the world. I think it’s very powerful knowing that even before ever doing anything in the world we have irreplaceable value. Just ask a mother of a newborn baby; she will say that her child means absolutely everything to her, and that is merely for existing, it isn’t anything he has done to make her feel this way.

I am a firm believer that everyone has a purpose in the world and can make a difference in a way that no one else could. Just because you are bedridden or need to be taken care of absolutely does not mean you don’t have value in the world. You have qualities to offer people that make you absolutely irreplaceable in their lives, so we need to stop telling ourselves the lie that we aren’t as valuable because we are different.

On the other hand, I understand the ache that is in your heart for the opportunities you have missed and feeling like some of life has passed you by. I don’t have the resume I would have had if I hadn’t gotten sick, and there are a lot of experiences I missed out on. It’s weird listening to my friends all talk about what they’re doing at work and how comfortable they are there. I still remember working at the magazine’s office like it was yesterday, but I also think that experience was so different because you’re the lowest on the totem pole. Dealing with an illness does teach you what is important in the world, though, and gives amazing perspective people often don’t have until much later on in life. It teaches you to hold on to all the amazing blessings you are given, because sometimes they can be fleeting, and to be thankful for the people closest to you. It teaches lessons of patience, hard work, and resilience. You learn what it’s like to be empathetic with people, rather than just offering sympathy, and you are given an opportunity to be a light for others who go through the exact same things you deal with on an every day basis. Chronic illness builds beautiful warriors who have such important lessons they need to share with the world.

I understand questioning your worth as much as anyone else with a chronic illness, and I am right there with you trying to find my own purpose. The words I wrote on this page make sense to my brain and I know that my life has incredible value, but my heart sometimes has a hard time making the connection. I feel lost in a big world that doesn’t understand me, and I am getting swallowed up in the lies I tell myself at night. Being sick has taught me I’m a fighter, though, and I’m not going to stop searching until I figure out what I’m here for. Deep down I know I have an important role in the world. I just might take a little longer to figure out what it is and that’s okay.

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Life As A Burden To All

~ kristalauren ~ 2 Comments

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t sometimes insecure about having a chronic illness.

I often try to hide my pain and symptoms, even from those I love most. First and foremost, because I want to try to ignore the fact that my life isn’t the way I wish it was. A part of me feels like if I try to shove all my frustrations with being sick deep down that some of them might disappear. Maybe if I close my eyes and pretend I’m not dizzy or hurting one day I’ll wake and that will be my reality.

Second, I hate sounding like a broken record. I’m in pain every day, so if I voice my discomfort people will get sick of being around me really, really fast. It’s kind of like when someone runs a race and keeps talking about how sore they are; it’s completely valid and understandable, but after being reminded for the fifth time that their legs hurt you wonder if they think you are hard of hearing. No one wants to hear about how I have sharp, painful triggerpoints in my shoulders or can’t load the dishwasher because it hurts my forearms to grip anything for more than a minute or two.

Third, I feel broken. I sometimes wonder why people still care about me since I can’t go out and have fun like a normal 26-year-old. I can’t give the acts of service to my friends and family that I’d like to, I don’t have a normal 9-5 job, and I need help with things that others do mindlessly on a daily basis. My parents have taken care of me since I got sick, and it’s been really hard to rely on others to do things that I want to be doing for myself. I’ve always been pretty independent, so giving up control in my life has been one of the toughest tasks.

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My heart hurts because my head isn’t affected by this illness. I want to be able to run, dance, and crank out dozens of pages of words at a time. I want to be pressured by the journalism deadlines that were once the bane of my existence, and I wonder why my body has betrayed me and doesn’t allow the vigorous work ethic I once prided myself on. It hurts feeling like this illness hasn’t just taken some of my hobbies, but it has also stripped me of having a purpose on this earth. 

That’s lie #1 I was fed when I first got sick. Deep down I know it isn’t true; I actually believe this is Satan’s disgustingly twisted game of trying to make a very complete and beautiful soul feel worthless. Worthlessness is a dangerous feeling because it’s based on a lie that only seems real to the person feeling it. I strongly believe every single person placed on this earth has a purpose they are here, including myself. I think each human being can add invaluable love, kindness, and strength to the world if they choose to give it. Each individual has some sort of special “X factor” that they can offer people in their life.

God wrote in Psalm 139:14 that each and every one of us was fearfully and wonderfully made. This means that we were made with His very own heart taking an interest in us, and that He made us different than anyone else. It means He cares about us more than we could ever understand.

That being said, I know so many others who are also different in one way or another and have had this feeling on some level. The next several weeks I am going to be completely smashing this fabrication and showing that the feelings of worthlessness are based on a complete lie. Whether or not you are a regular reader or you’re new here, I would love if you would be patient and stick around until I get to the main point of these posts. This message is so important, and I want to connect to your heart and help it listen to how I have begun to debunk the lies that the evil in the world wants us to believe.

In case you don’t come back, just know that you are a valuable part of society and you can make a much greater impact than you even realize. God gives incredible blessings to those who keep pushing forward and He can create a really beautiful masterpiece from brokenness. You just have to stick around to see what the beauty in your hardship is. Sometimes it won’t be as obvious as you might hope, but He sprinkles light into even the darkest of stories.

Trusting God’s Plan

~ kristalauren ~ 5 Comments

One thing I really value in my life is security.

I think it’s because I haven’t always felt secure in my life or relationships. In the past I have been with people who make all the big life decisions without me, and I feel an overwhelming lack of control over my life with my illness. Helplessness is a familiar feeling, and it’s one that I despise more than anything else in this world.

Last night I prayed for the first time in awhile. I felt shaky and scared; there are so many different moving parts in my life, and I am a notorious worrier. Giving my concerns to God doesn’t give me as much peace as it should, and I think too much about the future and “what if” scenarios. I think this is something a lot of people from our generation struggle with. I’m not sure if it’s just because our twenties are so uncertain and there are a lot of big changes taking place or because it’s still the beginning of really being adults in the world, but either way I have so many friends who deal with the same exact concerns as me.

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Photo Credit: Proverbs 31 Ministries

I think God sometimes speaks to us in the smallest of ways. I believe in signs, so when I woke up and saw this photo on Proverbs 31 Ministries‘ Facebook page, my heart felt warm and full. I think this was God talking back to me to remind me to trust Him with every detail of my life.

After all, God hasn’t made any mistakes with my life yet. In fact, He has always known what is best for me, even when I think my life is going in one direction. My favorite examples to use are always ones from dating, so I’ll share the glimpse I got into God working in my life.

A few years back, I was worried about my first-ever relationship ending. It was scary because I had never gone through a breakup before, and I was paralyzed with fear of how it would affect me, how I would get through it, and whether or not I would ever find someone to love me again. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I think most of us have a harder time with heartbreak the first time around.

As you all know, I made it through the breakup, and came out even stronger after the fact. I found plenty of guys who wanted to take me on a date, and I eventually fell in love again. This is where my “God moment” begins. The love I have found with Robert is incomparable to any other relationship I have had in my life. I am with someone who knows what compromise looks like, wants to know the desires of my heart, and makes me laugh on a regular basis. He cares about quality time the same way I do, and views relationships as the number one priority in life.

To this day I strongly believe the end of my old relationship is the biggest blessing I have ever received. I got to meet Robert — someone I now can’t imagine my life without. One of my biggest fears ended up materializing, but God knew so much better than I did that there was someone else out there who would be a much better fit for me. I think back to the day Robert and I first met in front of a little Italian restaurant and can’t believe how far we’ve come from that. I imagine it must have been fun for angels and God to gather to watch our love story unfold that day. To us, it was just another online date (Granted, it was the best first date I’ve ever had), but to the one Guy who knows everything, it was the beginning of a really beautiful love story. He knew what He was doing when He jumped through hoops to make us meet, and my heart should feel at ease that God will continue to work in my life and take care of me the way He always has before. I have absolutely no proof that God has ever left me behind or let me fall without Him, but I have such a special story of God taking care of my heart and knowing what was best for me before I even knew it myself.

I don’t have the right words to end my blog post today, so I’ll leave you with words that are much more beautiful than any I could come up with.

“Do not be anxious in anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:6-7

You Are Wonderfully Made

~ kristalauren ~ 1 Comment

People’s reactions to my last post inspired me to talk about something that I think is very important.

Your “success” in the dating world does not define your worth.

Your dating life might vary vastly than many of your friends, but one thing is certain:

The inability of someone else to recognize your value does not mean it’s not there. We all have such uniquely beautiful and wonderful things to add to the world, and I think individuals have the ability to make a positive difference in the lives of others.

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I was really surprised to get messages from people trying to console me or make the guy who turned me down sound like a jerk. He just wasn’t into me. Honestly, it’s not a big deal and really doesn’t reflect anything on his or my character. Most people you meet won’t be a love connection and that is perfectly fine. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, and my hope is that there is just one very special person who will work out for the long run.

I hope everyone realizes that each and every one of you has value greater than your weight in gold. I genuinely believe this, and don’t want you to think you did something that just didn’t measure up for someone if they don’t reciprocate your feelings for them. They just aren’t right for you. You deserve someone who loves and appreciates all that you have to offer!

Today’s lesson: No matter how amazing you are, not everyone is going to want to date or be friends with you. That makes the people you are close to in your life even more special!