Taking Note Of Red Flags

November 6, 2017 ~ kristalauren ~ Leave a comment

Today I want to touch on some red flags for those of you who might be wondering whether or not you’re in the right relationship. Often, odds are if you are wondering and continually have the gut feeling that you aren’t with the right person, you probably aren’t. Here are a few red flags that are often pushed aside or ignored:

Your significant other has drastically different priorities than you. For example, he values work much more heavily than relationships, and you think family should be the number one priority. Neither of you are necessarily “wrong,” however it is incredibly difficult to make a relationship like this work in the long run.
They always tell you one thing and do another. Actions speak louder than words, and if their behaviors don’t match up to what they’re telling you, move on to someone who stands by their words.

Communication just doesn’t seem to be there. If your significant other doesn’t attempt to learn how to communicate with you, there are a lot of problems ahead for you as a couple. I do think men and women often communicate differently, as do people as individuals. It will take work and effort to learn how to effectively communicate, but if you feel like you never get through to your partner, find someone who can learn to effectively communicate with you.
If you feel like you need to post quotes and pictures on social media that will hopefully catch your significant other’s attention and make them think, reevaluate why you can’t bring up these points to him in person. A quote or two here and there are great for inspiration and expressing yourself, but if he is constantly at the back of your mind when you post things like, “Sometimes you don’t know what you have until it’s gone,” find a relationship where you feel appreciated and cared for.
Your partner should make you feel secure. If you consistently feel anxious about the status of your relationship, reevaluate and ask yourself why. Work on any internal insecurities you might have, and communicate those with your partner. They should be willing and open to working on them with you. Love is patient and kind, and the right person for you will know you’re worth working through hardships with. No marriage is exempt from difficulties, and resilience will be a quality that can withstand the test of time.

If in doubt, make a mental note of the little red flags you notice in a relationship. Ask yourself whether your partner’s actions are something you are willing to live with or not. Yes, people can change and work on themselves, but dating is meant to give you data about someone.* Once you are in a committed marriage I do believe unless there is abuse or cheating it is so important to work on any problems to fix the relationship together, but why start off that relationship on the wrong foot? Any couple is going to have trials, but life and love is so much easier if you are both on the same page on what is important in life from the get-go.

*One of my next posts is going to be all about how to efficiently collect data about a partner before deciding whether they are marriage material.

Selfishness Versus Selflessness

December 5, 2016December 5, 2016 ~ kristalauren ~ 5 Comments

Oh. My. Gosh.

It is going to be so hard to put into words just how different it is dating someone who is selfish versus someone who is selfless. Selfish people can still have good hearts; they’re just not the kind of person I want in a significant other.

One ex I have in particular is someone I think was pretty selfish. I don’t think he means any harm by being that way, I think it’s just the way he was used to behaving and possibly his nature. In fact, one could argue that being selfish is just simply human nature. I think it takes a lot of practice and self-control to be a selfless human being.

Here are just a few ways dating someone who is selfish differs from dating someone who is selfless:

Being with someone who was selfish gave me constant anxiety. I never felt at ease in the relationship, as I always knew something major could change and I would have absolutely no say in the matter. Sure we would discuss big decisions, but when it came down to it I never really had a say.

Being with someone who is selfless makes me feel secure. We talk about big things in life and I believe him when he says he wants to know what I would like to do. I don’t have the same suffocating fear that I am not in control of my future at all, and this actually makes me more willing to compromise, as I know he will do the same with me.

To a selfish person “no” means “I’d rather not, but ultimately you get to choose.” Why? Because their desires are more important than your boundaries.

To a selfless person “no” means “no.” And they won’t push the boundaries because they respect you and would never want to make you feel bad.

When a selfish person hurts you they do not learn from their mistake. They may have it in the back of their mind that you don’t like something that they are doing, but that ultimately won’t make them think twice about a repeat offense. Selfish significant others are more interested in making themselves satisfied than pleasing you.

When a selfless person hurts you, they sincerely apologize and don’t just try to fix their mistake, but also take note of it to avoid being a repeat offender. This doesn’t mean they’ll be perfect from there on out, but it does mean they might rethink future decisions and be more cognizant of how their actions might affect you.

Dating someone selfish is exhausting. You know you can’t ever really win with them. When you’re with someone who is selfish it’s their way or the highway, and you can have the same fight over and over again but never actually come to a resolution — that is, until you finally give in to their wishes.

Dating someone selfless is seamless. We don’t have a perfect relationship, but disagreements are a whole lot easier knowing that we listen to actually hear what one another is saying, and can come to a conclusion at the end of the day. We’re both “winners,” as we care about each other and are happy to make the other person happy.

This barely scratches the surface of dating someone who is selfish versus someone who is selfless. I didn’t take the selfless examples to the extreme, but a selfless person will truly put your heart above his own — not because he wants something from you — but because he loves you even more than he loves himself. This does not mean he is perfect, will never make mistakes, or will never make a selfish decision. It does mean, though, that you can have a healthy relationship with compromise and so much less stress than dating someone who is always looking out for himself.

Today’s lesson: At the end of the day you should be with someone who wants to make you happy and will compromise. No, you shouldn’t be with a pushover who does whatever you say — in that instance you are quite possibly the selfish one! You should, however, pay very close attention to the way your significant other reacts to your feelings. If he tells you that you “can’t possibly choose a place to live based on where friends and family are” and they are something he knows is important to you, run for the hills! There are plenty of people in the world who will understand your heart’s desires and will make a joint effort to work towards your dreams together.

Don’t Be A “Fixer”

November 28, 2016November 28, 2016 ~ kristalauren ~ 10 Comments

You know how people sometimes think if something major in their life changes their relationship will automatically get fixed? I’ve always thought this goofy reasoning — until I felt completely trapped in a very unhappy, unhealthy relationship and didn’t know how to end it.

They say hindsight is 20/20, but they* also say love is blind.

Oh, boy, are they right.

I felt like I’ve always had a good head on my shoulders and am pretty self-aware (Yes, I do know I am an over-sharer and write a little too much about love on social media, but what else am I supposed to do with a dating blog?!). I suppose I was even back then, as I noticed the gut-wrenching nausea and overwhelming sadness when I really thought about our relationship, but I shoved the feeling back as best as I possibly could. After all, one day things could be better. It was a long shot, but maybe I was actually the exception to the rule. Maybe it was just the long distance taking a toll on us, or maybe it was just extra stress from having a chronic illness. After all, I reasoned to myself, I wasn’t used to being sick yet. How could my boyfriend be?

Back then I was a “fixer.” Not in the great sense of putting work into a relationship to make it more beautiful, but instead forcing myself to believe that everything in our relationship would be fixed once our circumstances changed. News flash: Anyone who has seen He’s Just Not That Into You should absolutely know they are never the exception to the rule. This is just something we tell ourselves when we are terrified to leave a bad situation.

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Things got so bad that I finally had the thought that at least whenever I eventually had children I would have some sweet little companions who would actually want to spend time with me.

Ugh. I cringe so hard just writing all of this.

What does this have to do with my relationship with this individual? Why in the world wouldn’t I want both a great husband and wonderful kids? You don’t have to choose just one. How would something as difficult as adding little human beings that you have to raise and take care of every single day help make a relationship any better? If anything it can definitely be a (rewarding) strain on a relationship; not something that will glue it back together.

Sometimes relationships that are broken aren’t meant to be fixed. If you haven’t made a lifelong commitment to an individual it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been dating; you don’t owe them an unlimited amount of time to try and fix things. There might be a very important reason your relationship is so broken — you just aren’t meant for each other.

Now that my head is clear and I’ve learned some very valuable life lessons, I realize that trying to fix someone into being your “perfect match” is a terrible way to live life. If they don’t understand your love language or make you feel cared for, find someone else who will. If your partner doesn’t want to spend time with you or blames everything that is difficult in life on you, find someone who will hold your hand and help you through the rough patches, rather than throw his hands up and complain about them. You deserve to be with someone who knows your worth, and shouldn’t have to fight for someone you care about to love you back.

Today’s lesson: If you feel trapped dating someone, he probably isn’t the right person for you. A relationship is healthy if there are a few disagreements here and there — that’s what makes it real — but your love life shouldn’t be a battlefield. It should be a place you feel safe, secure, and comfortable in, rather than on anxious and on edge.

*Whoever the heck “they” is.