Authentic Love Isn’t Selfish

April 11, 2018April 11, 2018 ~ kristalauren ~ 1 Comment

We’re going to pick up where I left off in my Corinthians segment. I know I am really breaking this down, but I think there is just so much more than meets the eye that I don’t want to miss any of the beauty that is intended to teach us to love others more selflessly.

“[Love] does not envy, it does not boast. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking…”

Social media is the perfect breeding ground for the first two traits that do not exhibit love. Being envious of others online lives is super easy because all the content is curated. Whether it looks like a perfect love life like Channing and Jenna displayed on Instagram for millions to see or is an incredible collage of beautiful sunsets all around the world from a favorite travel blogger, it’s easy to wonder how other people have perfect lives while you are going through something difficult. It’s often through others boasting online that people can begin to channel feelings of jealousy and get a bad case of the green-eyed monster. I think it’s more important now than ever to learn how to cheer on each other throughout the good parts of life and lean on one another in the more difficult stages. That is the incredible part about social media that we can all choose to focus on. If we learn to count others’ victories as our own we will have so many things to be joyful for each and every day.

Dishonoring others is such a wide range of things. With a friend or family member it could be talking about them behind their back, being unsupportive of a big life adjustment, or being cruel to someone for something they can’t control. With a romantic partner some examples would be thinking about being with someone other than your significant other, looking at pornography, yelling or talking down to them, or acting on inappropriate feelings. When you dishonor someone you love it is often one of the most obvious ways to hurt the relationship. It almost always goes hand in hand with destroying the bond and trust built, and depending on the severity might even end a relationship.

Self-seeking strangely enough includes a lot of the things under the “dishonoring others” umbrella. To truly love someone, you have to put aside some of your selfish desires and look to see what is in their best interest. I’ve dated people on both ends of the selfish and selfless spectrum and it’s incredible to see the difference in the quality of life with the two extremes. I do believe someone can love you even if they are completely selfish, but they aren’t showing love when in that state of mind, and that’s a really big part of any kind of relationship. There are givers in the world, takers, and the people who are “just right.” Although I think giving is a really beautiful thing, it is so important to still take care of your own dreams and not give every single part of yourself away to someone else. I am definitely someone who gives until I become empty if someone is willing to keep taking and had to learn the hard way how damaging that is. When a giver latches onto a taker they become drained and depressed. Living completely for someone else isn’t healthy or normal. Living with someone and chasing after both of your dreams together is one of the most beautiful gifts God has given mankind, though. There’s a big difference between chasing dreams together and choosing to be partners in crime and being someone’s glorified sidekick.

That being said, if you are a giver it’s wonderful you can use your heart to make someone else’s life more bright and beautiful, but make sure to keep your own dreams alive and be with someone who gives back. I think givers should actually be with other givers — or the people who are “just right” in the middle. This offers a great way to monitor how equal a partnership is, and makes the giver sometimes receive too. If you feel like you haven’t given in awhile and might naturally be a taker, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad person by any means — it just means you have to make a more conscious effort to give in whatever love language your partner enjoys receiving (Which may be different than the kind of love you enjoy!). Lastly, if you feel you’re a giver and often become exhausted, I’d like to challenge you to ask someone you care about for something. Whether it’s an act of service like driving you to a doctor’s appointment (This is my go-to example since it’s just like, my life right now) or for a small gift like a coffee delivery, I think it’s important to be able to ask for what you want in life. Selfishness is definitely something that just makes us human and we have to work to find a good balance of give and take in our relationships. Notice how many times I’ve used the word “work” in my posts all about love lately?

We’ve talked about four different things that categorize love so far: patience, kindness, selflessness, and honoring others. Later this week we are going to touch on anger and forgiveness. Thanks for hanging around with me through this short little series! I am currently working on a different post that is close to my heart, but that also makes me feel nervous. I will gather up some nerve and share that with y’all next week. Stay tuned. ❤

Selfishness Versus Selflessness

December 5, 2016December 5, 2016 ~ kristalauren ~ 5 Comments

Oh. My. Gosh.

It is going to be so hard to put into words just how different it is dating someone who is selfish versus someone who is selfless. Selfish people can still have good hearts; they’re just not the kind of person I want in a significant other.

One ex I have in particular is someone I think was pretty selfish. I don’t think he means any harm by being that way, I think it’s just the way he was used to behaving and possibly his nature. In fact, one could argue that being selfish is just simply human nature. I think it takes a lot of practice and self-control to be a selfless human being.

Here are just a few ways dating someone who is selfish differs from dating someone who is selfless:

Being with someone who was selfish gave me constant anxiety. I never felt at ease in the relationship, as I always knew something major could change and I would have absolutely no say in the matter. Sure we would discuss big decisions, but when it came down to it I never really had a say.

Being with someone who is selfless makes me feel secure. We talk about big things in life and I believe him when he says he wants to know what I would like to do. I don’t have the same suffocating fear that I am not in control of my future at all, and this actually makes me more willing to compromise, as I know he will do the same with me.

To a selfish person “no” means “I’d rather not, but ultimately you get to choose.” Why? Because their desires are more important than your boundaries.

To a selfless person “no” means “no.” And they won’t push the boundaries because they respect you and would never want to make you feel bad.

When a selfish person hurts you they do not learn from their mistake. They may have it in the back of their mind that you don’t like something that they are doing, but that ultimately won’t make them think twice about a repeat offense. Selfish significant others are more interested in making themselves satisfied than pleasing you.

When a selfless person hurts you, they sincerely apologize and don’t just try to fix their mistake, but also take note of it to avoid being a repeat offender. This doesn’t mean they’ll be perfect from there on out, but it does mean they might rethink future decisions and be more cognizant of how their actions might affect you.

Dating someone selfish is exhausting. You know you can’t ever really win with them. When you’re with someone who is selfish it’s their way or the highway, and you can have the same fight over and over again but never actually come to a resolution — that is, until you finally give in to their wishes.

Dating someone selfless is seamless. We don’t have a perfect relationship, but disagreements are a whole lot easier knowing that we listen to actually hear what one another is saying, and can come to a conclusion at the end of the day. We’re both “winners,” as we care about each other and are happy to make the other person happy.

This barely scratches the surface of dating someone who is selfish versus someone who is selfless. I didn’t take the selfless examples to the extreme, but a selfless person will truly put your heart above his own — not because he wants something from you — but because he loves you even more than he loves himself. This does not mean he is perfect, will never make mistakes, or will never make a selfish decision. It does mean, though, that you can have a healthy relationship with compromise and so much less stress than dating someone who is always looking out for himself.

Today’s lesson: At the end of the day you should be with someone who wants to make you happy and will compromise. No, you shouldn’t be with a pushover who does whatever you say — in that instance you are quite possibly the selfish one! You should, however, pay very close attention to the way your significant other reacts to your feelings. If he tells you that you “can’t possibly choose a place to live based on where friends and family are” and they are something he knows is important to you, run for the hills! There are plenty of people in the world who will understand your heart’s desires and will make a joint effort to work towards your dreams together.

What Should You Do If He Puts Work First?

September 8, 2016September 8, 2016 ~ kristalauren ~ 4 Comments

I’ve had several people talk to me about relationships that weren’t meeting their needs, so I finally decided to answer one of my reader questions on here for everyone to see, as I think this is a really important topic that has been brought up a lot lately.

What should you do if your significant other consistently puts work (or something else) above you?

Honestly, this totally depends on your priorities as well.

This isn’t something that will ever fly with me again because people and relationships are the highest thing on my priority list. I once dated someone who had a pretty demanding work/school life, and our communication had to keep getting cut down significantly as he dove deeper and deeper into his professional goals. Work needs to be a priority in order to survive, but I completely disagreed with his argument that relationships can’t be prioritized above a job. This doesn’t mean that more time has to be invested into a S.O. than in work, but it does mean you are making decisions together and giving quality free time to your partner.

Just because this is the way I feel about the subject, doesn’t mean everyone wants to put their romantic relationship as a very top priority, though. Here’s how this kind of relationship can work. If work is your highest priority right now that’s totally fine! You just have to make sure your significant other is on the same page. Maybe he puts his career first as well so you can both pull late nights without upsetting one another. Or maybe he has other relationships that he can put lots of time into and doesn’t mind sacrificing time with his bae for her work. As long as you know where you stand and are upfront with your priorities, a relationship centered around something other than each other can likely work. I don’t have very much advice beyond this, as I can’t really relate to wanting a career more than meaningful relationships, but I definitely think there are plenty of people in the world who do want this kind of setup.

The advice I can give is that if you are like me and want someone who puts you above other aspects of life that you should pay very close attention to their actions, rather than what they have to say. If your significant other is genuine about his intentions of prioritizing your relationship in his life you will be able to tell.

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Today’s lesson: Actions speak louder than words.

Bonus lesson: there are billions of people in the world. If you’re dating someone who doesn’t meet your basic needs or has different priorities than you do, end the relationship sooner rather than later. You can and will find someone who is a much better match for you!

Selfless Selfishness

March 19, 2016 ~ kristalauren ~ Leave a comment

Today I was talking to my Army man about our dreams and some of my future plans. I mentioned how selfish my last relationship was — everything we did was to make him happy and work toward his goals together. My opinion or desires never mattered. Moving forward I want to be someone’s partner in crime instead of their sidekick.

His reply to this was my favorite. He said, “But babe, we always do what I want to do too! I feel bad now.”

I quickly felt very confused, as he’s always been extremely kind and is one of the most selfless people I know. After a second of thinking I asked, “Huh? What do you mean?”

I heard him smile over the phone as he replied, “I always want to do whatever you want to do.”

My heart is so happy it hurts.

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In Sickness And In Health

January 21, 2016January 21, 2016 ~ kristalauren ~ Leave a comment

Although I’m not an expert on many things, I would say having a chronic illness is a subject I’m pretty well versed on now. I’ve been both single and in a long-term relationship with a CI, which isn’t a super-common thing for someone in their twenties.

We never know what the future holds and sadly there is a lot of pain in this world. I could have never in a million years imagined getting a chronic illness at 22 years old, but here I am. It’s still so weird for me to think about. You don’t ever think things like this will happen to you.

Through this crazy journey life is taking me on I’ve realized the enormous difference of someone staying with you through an illness and someone supporting you. Guys, you have no idea how big this is.

Real life with someone is very different than the glamour and attempted perfection on a wedding day. (This was from a bridal photoshoot I did a few years ago)

When someone stays with you just to be around, you feel alone. You feel like a burden, and it’s not going to help you get any better.

But when someone is there because they want to be and because they are able to put your needs above their own for a period of time, you have a significant other who is giving a genuine and selfless love — and, in turn, you can be there in their time of need.

This, to me, is one of the most beautiful things a person can offer, and it’s something that can’t be faked. Sickness still isn’t easy, but life is a heck of a lot more wonderful when you have someone who will support you when you need a shoulder to lean on. On the other hand, it’s an amazing feeling loving someone enough to want to be able to take away their pain, no matter what that may be. I’ve felt very strongly about a few people that way in my life, and it’s a very genuine and incredible feeling that I can only attribute to the selfless love I am hoping you all get from a partner.

Today’s lesson: There are amazing people in this world who will love you through your trials, whatever they may be. Don’t settle for someone who will just stay. Wait for the person who will hold your hand and be with you every step of the way, no matter where life takes you both.