Drafted

131. That’s how many pieces I have written and that are waiting to be posted, but I just can’t find the heart to share. Most of my writing is really pretty simple. I write about dating when a friend comes and asks for advice, because I love giving it and trying to help other people feel confident and secure in the dating world. I write about POTS when I am having a particularly bad — or sometimes good — day, and I write about the way other people treat me with this problem that is so misunderstood. Then, I have a couple deeper posts that I am just waiting to work up the guts to publish.

Part of the problem is going back and editing through everything. Several of my entries have general ideas and thoughts in them, but aren’t completed. They are skeletons of blog posts, and need some meat on their bones to help them make sense and tell a story. Others just feel hollow and my heart doesn’t feel up to working on them. Two, though, pierce deep down into my heart and make it beat fast when I think about opening up. Using the words that are deep down in your soul can be scary because they expose your darkest secrets or insecurities people would never guess you are dealing with. Luckily, I don’t have that many “secrets,” as I am a pretty open book, and there isn’t a lot of darkness in my life, so I’d file my posts under “Insecurities” in the glaringly obvious ways I am different.

Today, though, I’m tired. I still don’t feel like working on my writing, and I have been so wrapped up in wedding planning and health stuff lately that I have only posted on here two times this month. I want to write and share every single detail of the little and big things that happen in my day-to-day, but I’ve also seen the dangers of speaking loudly for all to hear online. Tonight I am going to work on a post about POTS that I drafted a few weeks ago after a Taylor Swift concert. I’ll share something that can be really hard on my heart, because I think so many people with all kinds of disabilities will be able to relate. Sometimes the most meaningful thing in the world is to feel like you are actually understood — and that you aren’t alone. As much as it sucks sometimes, the Internet is really cool because you can always find someone with the exact same things you struggle with. I still think writing is something I am meant to do, so I’ll stop being selfish and start sharing again, even if I’m feeling worn out. I think today I just needed to write and feel like I am creating again, even if it’s a silly, rambly blog post.

Screen Shot 2018-07-30 at 7.40.06 PM.png

Rain, Rain, Go Away

I hate rainy days. They make my head hurt, body ache, and they are only soothing if it’s warm outside.

I love this blog, though. It’s so good for my heart and I’m always happy to share my feelings with everyone because I know I’m a super-average twentysomething who can relate to Taylor Swift just as much as the next girl. Today is a Call it What You Want kind of day — partly because it’s her newest song, and partly because I have been feeling particularly brave about writing lately. It will take a little bit of time to share some of the things I’ve been working on lately because the gnarly pain in my arms seems to have come back for a sudden vengeance, however I am trying my hardest to use the dictation software that frustrates me to no end.

One of my favorite quotes of all time is by Hemmingway,

“There is nothing to writing. All you have to do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

As an ENFP this is a really easy task for me. I don’t have the best memory when it comes to numbers, dates, or names, but if you ask me how I felt at any given event I can recall it in such vivid detail. If I think about the day Robert left to go overseas enough, my heart will hurt and remember the empty ache that took resudence in my body while he was gone. I remember small details from birthdays and how I felt on each of them, how much joy I felt running around New York City with my mom while I lived there and she visited me, and I can clearly recall the warmth that filled my heart when I realized I loved Robert. I can easily remember how I’ve felt in every stage of our relationship, even if I can’t recall how many dates we went on our first couple of months together.

Screen Shot 2017-11-07 at 1.03.47 PM.png

Having strong feelings can be a nuisance sometimes, however I think they help me connect to others so much more beautifully than if I didn’t feel deeply. Even if I haven’t been in the exact same situation as another human, my heart can connect to theirs and sing the same melody until they feel less alone. And that, my friends, is the reason I want to keep being so open in this space and why I have to keep writing.

A Visit From The Fire Department

Oh my gosh, I have had such a crazy day already and it’s only 1 PM!

After a relaxing morning of writing a little and going for a walk since it’s like, above 70 degrees in February, I used the gas stove top to make a light lunch. It didn’t turn off, though, and kept clicking with little spurts of gas coming out. I went to the neighbors’ house to see if they knew what to do with no avail. So I called our gas company, who sent me to a contractor, who said they weren’t allowed to work with stove tops like ours anymore and sent me to the local fire department.

I was super embarrassed to call — especially because I went on a date with someone who works there once — but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do! The people on the other end of the non-emergency fire line were incredibly nice and said that yes, they were the correct people to call for this kind of thing.

Macy and I waited outside for about ten minutes before the fire truck pulled up to our house.

Screen Shot 2017-02-23 at 2.39.32 PM.png
I didn’t have any time to put makeup on before leaving the house, so pulled the classic “hide behind a hat” move.

We heard the truck’s massive engine a full minute before it actually got to our house, and it was kind of hilarious to see all the neighbors lined up along the street, unashamed of being nosy to see what was going on.

Screen Shot 2017-02-23 at 2.59.25 PM.png

Three people came up to the house — two men and a woman — and it was actually really cool getting to watch them in action. They shut off the gas, told me that I should never do that myself, as I’m not trained to do so with this type of equipment, and said we needed an entire new gas stove top. Noted.

The female told me that it was really good I had called, and that women should certainly know how to take care of things around the house. It was actually really neat seeing how knowledgeable everyone was, and it inspired me to learn more about how to take care of minor problems in the home. I know my POTS prevents me from doing a lot of physical activities (And thinking altogether if I have brain fog or dizziness!), but I still think it is important to know what needs to be taken care of — even if I need to ask someone else to help me actually do it.

I waved goodbye to everyone as they drove off, and took a mental note to bake them all some goodies later this weekend to say “thank you” for coming over. People like that are really wonderful, as they essentially chose a job where they serve people all day long. Now I have to go take a nap, though, since sitting outside in the hot sun took a lot out of the POTSie in me. Have a great rest of your Thursday, friends!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

It’s my favorite day of the year! This Valentine’s Day has gotten off to a bit of a rough start. I had a hard time sleeping last night, and this morning when Macy came over to wake me up it took a lot longer than normal for me to wake up and get out of bed. When you have POTS you really have to take your time getting up and out of bed, especially when you haven’t had a lot of sodium, as your vision blacks out and there’s always a chance of fainting.

Anyway, I had my normal breakfast and then hurried off to physical therapy, which was quite a bit more difficult than normal. I feel so exhausted and my shoulders and arms hurt more than usual again.

Enough complaining, though! The best parts of today so far have been getting treated to a molten lava hot chocolate, getting home and having the best lunch (an enormous salad), homemade chocolate strawberries, and watching my favorite Valentine’s Day episode of The Office  (Season 2 where Phyllis gets a million things from Bob Vance, lmao!) before going over to watch my neighbors’ kids. I also got some really sweet Valentine’s Day cards in the mail and was lucky enough for my ipsy box to come today… Hooray!

The thing I really love most about Valentine’s Day is seeing how happy all of my friends and family are. I love love, and although every couple has their ups and downs it’s great to see people spending time with those who really do mean the world to them. Even when I’m single it brings me great joy to see others happy. This year I do have a romantic Valentine, though, as well as a few dates with my girl friends this week. I am not one to make a huge deal about my own birthday by having a “birthday week” or “birthday month,” however I totally milk Valentine’s Day for all it’s worth and am planning on celebrating several times this week.

happy.jpg
One of the happiest days.

Today wasn’t the best day ever since I had a lot going on (For once I’m not going to write every single thing on my blog — but y’all aren’t missing anything interesting, I promise!), but I’m looking forward to tomorrow and the rest of this week.

Love you all so much, and HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!

Exhausted

Guys, I’m really tired. In so many different ways.

First, I’ve been fighting something off and on for awhile now. I’m so thankful it hasn’t been anything bad, but it really is draining my energy. You know when you just feel weird, but can’t put your finger on what’s up? That’s where I am.

Second, this project I’ve been working on is so tiring! When I want something I really put my whole heart into it, and I want nothing more than to have an incredible surprise for when Robert is home. He isn’t that fond of surprises (He tried to talk me out of it when I told him I was doing a little Valentine’s Day planning and that he would need to delete his social media accounts, but I suggested it was in his best interest), but I think this one would be something he’d LOVE.

Third, having a chronic illness means I’m almost always mildly to incredibly exhausted. I can’t sleep at night and it’s physically and mentally exhausting getting through the tough POTS days.

Lastly, I’m just so darn tired of waiting. This deployment has drug on and on and on (times a million), and I’m just really ready for Robert to be home. I will have to write about the stages of going through a deployment so those who haven’t done one can better understand, but I feel like the final chapter would be titled “endless.” Like, when I found out it was just over a month until he would be back I was STOKED. I felt so excited and like it was actually real that he’d be back soon! Now that it’s been awhile, I’ve settled back into my normal routine and don’t feel the same sense of excitement. I feel like if I could knock it into my brain somehow to realize that he will, in fact, be home soon, I would be overjoyed! I just feel like it’s been such an up and down, crazy journey that it doesn’t feel very real that he’ll ever be back. I love him very much, and I love just getting to talk on the phone, but I miss being able to go out and have experiences together. I think that is an important part of a relationship, and it’s been a really long time since we’ve been able to do that.

Just a little bit longer, Krista. I’m going to keep telling myself that until I believe it. Maybe I never will until he’s actually home, but I at least have that to look forward to!

pats.jpg