I had my 5 year anniversary with POTS this month. It’s really weird because part of me feels like it’s been forever since I’ve been normal. College and before feels like some sort of dream, and I am so conditioned to take care of myself like a POTSie that I don’t think just standing up after lying down feels normal for anyone, and carrying a case of water bottles without pulling something out of a socket or going through excruciating pain is impossible to all human beings. The other part of me feels like I was well just yesterday, and my body misses just living life physically feeling nothing. I’m not used to being in pain so much, and although I am able to feel more optimistic when I do have a stretch of high pain days, I still question how tough I really am and whether I can keep loving my life through all of the intense and nauseating hurt. I can’t describe my pain well. It’s not aching, but it’s what I imagine arthritis feels like, along with a lot of burning, knotted tightness.
It frustrates me that instead of writing about all the joy I’ve had in my life the past few months, and about how the wedding planning process has gone, I just keep going back to writing about this because I can’t sit down and think of anything else when I sit down and focus on the way my body is feeling. The pain is at the forefront of my mind because I can’t just shove it down anymore and try to ignore the 4-6 my body normally rests at. It’s been a blaring 8 for about a week now, and I’m just really worn out at this point.
Through all of this, I am still genuinely happy. Despite feeling heartbroken or frustrated with loss, I don’t feel depressed about my illness, which is kind of shocking when I really think about it. I completely attribute this to God putting a loving hand on my heart, and I am thankful that throughout all of this my mental health has stayed in tact, as that would be a whole other battle in itself. Getting the chances to be so joyful with a chronic illness isn’t necessarily common amongst people who are sick, and I can see why. It’s absolutely exhausting waking up day after day being in pain and having a wide range of symptoms that you just have to deal with while living life.
I am hoping to get a few little updates done about wedding planning, since we have less than a month to go now, but I’m thinking many will come after our big day. I want with all my heart to be writing a lot right now, but it just isn’t realistic with how I have been lately. In the meantime I am trying to enjoy the little things in life like watching Big Brother, talking to good friends on the phone, going for walks, and enjoying the company of loved ones.