Tag: words of affirmation

How To Fill A Love Tank

~ kristalauren ~ Leave a comment

The more I’ve loved, been loved, and felt broken, the more I’ve learned about the five different love languages and how important they really are. I’ve always known I’m an in-between and don’t have a primary LL, but over the years I’ve noticed that I need at least a pinch of each to make my love tank feel full. The more love that comes in and warms my heart, the more love I feel like I have to give away.

I need words of affirmation to feel like I mean something to other people. Whether it’s telling me that the words on this site matter or that my company is a joy, words of affirmation are currently tied for the lead of what I need coming into my heart. They’re also headlining what I strive to give every day. I’ve always been a big fan of pen and paper, and I write notes for even the newest of friends. I don’t think there will ever be a time in my life where I don’t write to those I love, and if there is, please come find me to make sure I’m okay.

At our wedding, I decided to write each and every one of my girl friends a letter telling them how much they mean to me and how happy I was they could share that day with me. It took hours of work to finish the pile of notes you see at the top of this picture, but every single one of the girls who came to support us means the world to me, and I wanted to remind them that. I wrote most of my notes well ahead of time — before I even knew what color I wanted our bridesmaid dresses to be, what vendor we’d use for flowers, or what flavor we wanted our cake to be. As with several other things I had imagined, I didn’t actually have the time to put these around at all the tables the day of the wedding, so I’m still slowly handing out the notes, but this was one of the top things I was excited about while planning our wedding.

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Photo Credit: Katie Nesbitt Photography

Physical touch has also been an important part of my life, and having a hand to hold or body to hug is really vital for my heart to feel cared for. It is tied as my most important love language right now. I don’t talk very much about my pain with even my closest friends and family, but I’ve felt like I’ve needed more hugs lately. Something about someone giving you a squeeze makes the world feel like it’s going to be alright, even when you feel like nobody could possibly understand how you feel. For just a moment I forget about anything that is hurting or bothering me and remember how much love I have in my life.

Gift giving used to be my top LL. Even as a kid I loved going to the store to buy presents for birthday parties, Christmas, and even small “just because” gifts with my allowance. I think I learned this language of love from my mom because she was so great at leaving little notes and stuffed animals on my pillow or under the covers for me to find when I crawled into bed at night. This practice carried on into college, which was where I reached far and wide to friends for birthdays and almost every single holiday in an attempt to make people around me feel special and cared for. I spent hours shopping for goody bags to make every Valentine’s Day because I wanted other people to love the holiday as much as I did, even if they were single like I often was. I bought chocolates, cards, nail polish, giant bags of pink and red confetti hearts, and topped the presents off with a mix CD made special for each friend. It’s funny to this day how many people tell me they remember my goofy little playlists. Gift giving is something I find really fun and I think most people feel pretty loved when they get a present that was chosen just for them. It isn’t about the thing, rather it’s the fact that someone spent the time and energy to think about you and do something about it that makes this LL special.

We have two more love languages left. Quality time, and acts of service.

Quality time will always be important to me, but I’ve learned just how necessary the beautiful, magical adjective “quality” is. Time, though a really valuable thing to give someone, is only special if it’s attentive and caring. Electronics make it worlds more difficult to get quality time, and a lot easier to give the excuse that you’ve filled this part of the tank in a friend, family member, or partner. I feel tired a lot and am guilty of plopping down on the couch, only to turn on a repeat episode of Friends or the newest Judge Judy case. Although that time can be spent bonding and laughing over the silliness that ensues, it only fills the “quality time tank” so much. The amount this fills for me lingers around the 15% line, because with a big black box in front of my face, there is only so much I am going to learn and connect with someone else.

Quality time is perhaps the most difficult of the love languages to manage because it does depend heavily on the activity and how present each person is with one another. To one — perhaps with physical touch as the highest of the love languages — snuggling up on the couch and catching a game might be something that really fills up their tank. To another person, however, with words of affirmation being important, talking has to be a larger part of the time spent together to actually be quality enough to fill the tank. Hallmark Christmas movies make me feel more connected to another person than anything else on television because I tend to talk through them and bond over how many errors the producers missed or storylines that don’t make sense.

Finally, acts of service. I tend to write about this love language last, because I understand it the least. This is arguably one of the most practical languages that I absolutely need, but it just doesn’t fill me up the way the other four do. It doesn’t give me a warm and fuzzy feeling or make my heart leap from my ribcage the way everything else seems to. I need this love language desperately, though, to keep my health maintained and feeling good. Mentally I notice all of the acts of service that are performed for me every day and I feel thankful for them, but they don’t offer the same powerful effect that a hug, love letter, or tasty dessert brought from my favorite bakery do. It registers to me that this is love, but it doesn’t fill my heart the way other languages do.

I encourage my friends and family to keep learning about their love languages, as well as their partner’s, family’s, and friends’. I talk about them so much on here because I truly believe knowing more about the five love languages is a fantastic base of any relationship, and they can drastically change how loved a person feels. It really is interesting how all of the languages work together and how much easier it is to love someone when you truly understand them. The most complicated thing about relationships is that none of us are the exact same, and we all need different things to make us feel content and secure at the end of the day. People are dynamic and what they need might change as they grow, so loving someone is a never-ending task. Love is the most worthwhile thing in the world, though, and means so much more when you’ve worked to make it more special.

Do you have any book suggestions for me to read? I’m always plugging The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, so it would be great to hear what y’all enjoy too!

Love Is Kind

~ kristalauren ~ 2 Comments

The next part of Corinthians that I want to dissect is still in the first sentence, “Love is kind.” Kindness is one of the most powerful actions in the world, and is a virtue that offers one of the greatest opportunities for us to make an enormous impact on the lives of others.

My blogger friend, Tony, wrote this comment on my last post,

“Love is a word with a lot of weight and responsibility. It is patient and kind and those two attributes can be very hard to practice in life.”

I agree with this wholeheartedly. When you tell someone you love them, you are making a promise that you will care for their heart and be the best version of yourself because you believe they deserve that. Loving someone is an action, and actions take work. As unromantic as it sounds, relationships take a lot of conscious effort, compromise, and choosing to prioritize someone else’s needs along with your own every single day. Love isn’t something humans are naturally good at because our instinct is to take care of our own needs and look out for ourselves before caring for someone else.

Kindness isn’t innate and something that we are preprogrammed to do. People can get to a point where it’s the first reaction they have to another person, but I believe you must master patience before getting to kindness. I don’t think that it is an accident that 1 Corinthians lists patience before kindness; it seems like it was actually very intentionally written that way. We are given a million circumstances each week to practice patience. Whether it’s to a stranger at a grocery store, or to a friend, small annoyances and frustrations pop up all the freaking time. By choosing to forgo our own desires to stand up and get angry with someone and deciding to give them the benefit of the doubt, we are choosing to be patient. Kindness is one step further. Choosing kindness means we aren’t just choosing to not act, but we are choosing to act in a way that is generous and giving towards someone else.

For example, if you are walking behind someone who is very slowly pushing a grocery cart to the checkout line you want to get to, being patient is slowly following behind, without huffing and puffing or silently rolling your eyes. Being kind might be making a conversation with the person and asking how they are doing while you are waiting in line, or offering to help push the cart to the front if they look like they are struggling with it. Patience is nice; kindness is beautiful. 

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Kindness isn’t always my go-to action. Sometimes I feel tired and am passive, and just tolerate people. Other times I’m too focused on myself to be kind. Whether I’m in pain or just having an off day, I don’t always take the time and effort to go the extra mile for others. The good thing, though, is that kindness has become a much more natural reaction just from years of practice. I haven’t always been patient, which is the foundation kindness is built upon. Making a conscious effort to care for others and see things from their point of view has made my heart infinitely more kind, and has given me the ability to feel empathy for others. I think if we all just made the time and effort to do the hard work it takes to be patient and kind, it will become more of a norm in our society and the world would be a much happier and healthier place to live in.

How are you kind to others? What advice would you give someone who wants to learn to react with kindness? I would love to hear your advice on this subject, too!

Love Letters

~ kristalauren ~ 1 Comment

The second Love Language I want to talk about is “Words of Affirmation.” I was really surprised to find that it is now #3 on my LL list, with a pretty big score of “6.” It seems very self-explanatory, but I wanted to share how you can use this LL to enhance your relationship and show your partner love. Words of affirmation are perhaps the easiest to do, as it only takes a matter of seconds to write out a tiny text about how much you love your significant other — and it can be done from halfway around the world, too!

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Ideas to implement this LL:

  • Say “I love you” often. I don’t think these three little words can be overused if you’re with the right person.
  • Telling someone they are handsome or beautiful is important in a romantic relationship, but it’s also important to remember words like “kind,” “thoughtful,” “funny,” and “smart.” Do you guys remember the scene in He’s Just Not That Into You when Scarlett Johansson (Anna) and Kevin Connolly (Conor) play the game with 4 different categories: smart, sexy, funny, and cute, and have to choose 2 for each. Conor mistakenly chooses “sexy and cute,” to which Anna replies with, “Nobody wants to be all in one column!” People like to know that you find them attractive in more ways than one, which is why we shouldn’t neglect the looks or personality column when giving words of affirmation.
  • Remind your significant other that you are there for them, even when things are hard. Especially when things are hard. Something I’ve always told my best friends, family members, and significant other is that we only have to take turns being strong. As long as one of us can offer a shoulder to lean on, the other can try to get back on their feet. Some days I’ll feel sick and weak and need extra help getting through the day, and others my significant other might need a boost. As long as we’re in this life together and offer each other love and support, we can get through anything.
  • Write your bae lots and lots of love letters. Letters are amazing because even when you’re away you are able to leave a little piece of your heart with someone. If you asked me what my 5 most cherished possessions were, my box full of letters would be on the list — along with Robert’s dog tags and jewelry he has given me, Paws — the stuffed dog I’ve had since I was a baby, my journals, and pictures of my friends and family. I have an entire box dedicated to the deployment, which holds memories from before Robert left, a stuffed bear he won me, and all the letters he’s ever given me. Letters are a great way to remember feelings at different times in your life, which is why I like them so much. I try to write my loved ones enough letters to keep a little “diary” of our different stages in life, and anyone who knows me will tell you I am terrible for the environment because of how much I write.
  • Going off of my last point, I think snail mail is a great way to send your partner words of affirmation. Whether they live 700 miles or 7 minutes from your house, getting a handwritten note in the middle of your day is sure to make it a lot brighter. Don’t forget to write more than just a “to,” and “love,” though. People who cherish words of affirmation tend to look less at what Hallmark has to say and more about what you have to say to them.
  • A text or little post-it note is also a fantastic way to use words to show love. Any of my old roommates will tell you I’m obsessed with the post-its, and I think most of them have taken that habit with them to new friends and roommates.
  • Write a song or poem about how you feel. These are gifts your partner will treasure in their heart forever.
  • Words of affirmation are great for special occasions, but life is so short that I believe you shouldn’t save important things like words for a special date. Use them every day, and watch how your relationship grows and blossoms with other love languages following the words of affirmation.

Words of affirmation are great to compliment any love language. Attaching a note to a gift, saying “I love you” after a kiss, expressing how much you loved a date, and writing a little thank you letter after your partner did something kind are all fantastic ways to use words of affirmation in everyday life.

What do you think about words of affirmation? How else could you tell someone you love them?

Come back tomorrow for tips on using another LL. 🙂