Tinder, Take One!

Well, I went on my first date post-breakup and first ever Tinder date today.

It was everything I could have imagined and more.

I love awkward situations. They’re hilarious and make great stories. This blog is going to survive because of my awkwardness.

First, I didn’t realize when I set up a Tinder that they automatically made your preferences like, between the ages of 18 and 40 or something. I didn’t change those, frankly just because I didn’t know about them.

So this guy ended up being more than 10 years my elder.

We had planned to meet at a nice outdoor cafe in town to get Nutella crepes (There was no turning back once Nutella was brought into the mix… It is my kryptonite), so I left my house a little early to just kind of chill until he got there.

First impression: He didn’t necessarily look like his pictures, but he also didn’t not look like his pictures. Meeting up with people you have never seen in person is a bit odd!

The date started off fine; I would say it was fairly normal.

He told me about his outdoors escapades for the first 45 minutes or so, and I listened politely. I’m not super-outdoorsy, so couldn’t necessarily relate to his excitement, but it’s cool.

Then things got weird.

A baby bumblebee landed on his forearm.

We watched it crawl up and down his arm for about a minute, then I finally couldn’t contain myself any longer and was like, “Do you have something against killing bugs?”

He told me he didn’t but that, “The little fella isn’t bothering anyone.”

Okay. I guess I get it. I just absolutely hate bugs, so there was another thing I couldn’t seem to relate to.

We moved back to talking about his appreciation for the outdoors, and after almost 3 hours of chatting, I decided I really had to get going.

Here’s the thing. Maybe I’m weird, but I don’t think it’s cool making out with someone I literally just met that day, especially if I don’t feel any chemistry with them. I could tell by the way he had been looking gazing at me the past few minutes that he wanted to make a move. Being fully aware of the fact that I am hilariously awkward at “cheeking” men is only half the battle; actually doing it is the hard part.

So I handled this predicament the best way I could. It was time to choose fight or flight.

I picked the latter.

I thanked him for the crepes and said I had to go to the restroom, but that I would see him again later.

“Oh, no worries, I gotta go too.”

Crap, crap, crap. There went my escape plan.

We awkwardly walked back inside the cafe and then left to walk back to our cars together. I had considered sneaking out the first floor window in the bathroom, but I do believe in treating people the way I want to be treated, so figured that wouldn’t be such a nice way to end a date. After all, the guy hadn’t done anything wrong.

He began to slow his gait as we neared the cars.

Crap, crap, crap!

I’m no dummy. He was going to make a move. Guys, there was no attraction whatsoever. This wouldn’t have been fun for either of us.

So I did what I do best. I created an awkward situation.

“Since that was our first date I’ll just go ahead and give you a hug,” I said cheerfully.

As we broke free, he beelined straight towards me. I did a quick 180 so the back of my head met his lips, then took three enormous steps away from him, turned around to face him, waved and exclaimed, “Thanks again for the crepes, it was nice meeting you!” and got into my car.

Seriously, read that again. He kissed my bun. Please write a comment below if you’ve ever deflected a guy and had him unintentionally get a mouthful of your hair. This was unpleasant enough for me, but I can only imagine how weird it must have been for the guy.

Poor kid. I gave him all the signals in the world, though.

Today’s lesson: Have a better escape plan than doing a 180 on a guy. That was so not cool.