Drafted

131. That’s how many pieces I have written and that are waiting to be posted, but I just can’t find the heart to share. Most of my writing is really pretty simple. I write about dating when a friend comes and asks for advice, because I love giving it and trying to help other people feel confident and secure in the dating world. I write about POTS when I am having a particularly bad — or sometimes good — day, and I write about the way other people treat me with this problem that is so misunderstood. Then, I have a couple deeper posts that I am just waiting to work up the guts to publish.

Part of the problem is going back and editing through everything. Several of my entries have general ideas and thoughts in them, but aren’t completed. They are skeletons of blog posts, and need some meat on their bones to help them make sense and tell a story. Others just feel hollow and my heart doesn’t feel up to working on them. Two, though, pierce deep down into my heart and make it beat fast when I think about opening up. Using the words that are deep down in your soul can be scary because they expose your darkest secrets or insecurities people would never guess you are dealing with. Luckily, I don’t have that many “secrets,” as I am a pretty open book, and there isn’t a lot of darkness in my life, so I’d file my posts under “Insecurities” in the glaringly obvious ways I am different.

Today, though, I’m tired. I still don’t feel like working on my writing, and I have been so wrapped up in wedding planning and health stuff lately that I have only posted on here two times this month. I want to write and share every single detail of the little and big things that happen in my day-to-day, but I’ve also seen the dangers of speaking loudly for all to hear online. Tonight I am going to work on a post about POTS that I drafted a few weeks ago after a Taylor Swift concert. I’ll share something that can be really hard on my heart, because I think so many people with all kinds of disabilities will be able to relate. Sometimes the most meaningful thing in the world is to feel like you are actually understood — and that you aren’t alone. As much as it sucks sometimes, the Internet is really cool because you can always find someone with the exact same things you struggle with. I still think writing is something I am meant to do, so I’ll stop being selfish and start sharing again, even if I’m feeling worn out. I think today I just needed to write and feel like I am creating again, even if it’s a silly, rambly blog post.

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6 thoughts on “Drafted

  1. Great update. Hope you have energy and some of those ideas take form soon. It’s okay, I think all writers have these. In my notes on my phone, I have many poems. Sudden inspirations, but many partially developed. Sometimes, there’s a right time for a piece to come together. More often than not, I have to go thru a poem several times (one I want published or on the GDGC) for it to take full meaning and form. I also have many stories to go back too, and a few half written or half edited. Also, wh n you’re ready, those words that hurt to say can be exorcised, so to speak . I experienced this in the past with my health, and when it’s time, you’ll know. But, there comes a time when you’re free, despite your daily struggles b/c you can’t change the past, you can change each new day.
    Cheers my friend. 🙏🏻💕

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah I do on my page. For my good ones, most of them are on http://www.spillwords.com. Search under Amanda Eifert, I’ve submitted about 1 a month there since JUNE 2017. A few are audible poems. I’m thrilled you want to read them, & hope today is a good day. I went for lunch with an old friend today. It was very nice out on the patio. Cheers

        Liked by 1 person

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