Krista The Cougar

I just had something very confusing happen to me.

Since I’ve been single a lot of people have been trying to set me up with their friends (And sons, and nephews, and brothers, etc. — I guess I am not the only one who likes matchmaking).

Anyway, I was a bit surprised when a particular friend said she had the perfect person to set me up with, but I’m always game for meeting a perfect guy. Or really, a perfect human for that matter, as I would have a million questions about life for them. I’m sure a perfect person would give incredible advice.

Theo James
Theo James is the only man I can imagine being perfect. British, unbelievably handsome, and he sings and plays the guitar.

She set everything up, and we met at a local coffee shop.

Soon after meeting we both realized we didn’t have a lot in common. Why? Because he was twenty! This was a borderline illegal setup.

I’m only 24, and many of the guys I have been talking to have been 28. It’s still just four years, but anyone out of college knows what a difference the age gap this gentleman and I shared looks like versus the age gap of two people in the postgraduate world. He is smack in the middle of his undergraduate experience and cannot yet experience alcohol legally, and I am quickly getting over going to dive bars. He is excited to turn 21 next month, and I think getting carded is just a nuisance (I know I look like I’m 18, but I promise I am legal!).

Luckily he and I both realized the hilarity of the setup, and we ended up talking about my experience at George Mason and how he could manage to have a great study abroad experience like I did. We are friends now, and although I will not be helping him get his hands on alcohol, we might pull a few pranks on his roommates together.

Today’s lesson: Most people are terrible at setting others up; it’s not just me.

Taking A Turn In The Hot Seat

Here is the full review my date wrote about me. I did not edit any of the content, and just added a couple of asterisks to offer a few clarifying comments. Enjoy!

Phase 1: Planning

When setting up a date with Krista, a couple things need to be taken into account.For starters, all of us that have read her blog know that she cannot parallel park (See: “Wrecking my Date”). This would be an issue if she were to come to my neck of the woods in Arlington. So I had three options:

1. Make the drive out to Fairfax and meet her on her home turf (Not likely — the guy should always maintain the upper hand in these situations and keep his date her on her toes).
2. Find an appropriate/easy place for her to park in Arlington.
3. Ignore her concerns, have her parallel park, and poke fun or even take a video of her as she turns red from embarrassment while onlookers laugh at the parking job she is attempting.

Being a half decent guy, I went with option two* and gave her directions to a free parking garage right by the location of the restaurant. Option two was a success (Although I would be lying if I told you I did not seriously consider option 3).

The second thing to consider when planning a date with Krista is that she by all accounts seems to be a pretty good person. Because of this, I am again presented with a couple options. I could (A), show her a nice time, be a gentlemen, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah, or (B), acknowledge that she is looking for stories to write about on her blog, and give her the best worst date story I could possibly come up with. Unfortunately for Krista and her blog, I decided against trashing the date because she is a legitimately good person and I probably would have felt guilty going with option “B.” Although for the record, I was tempted going into this to give her that experience of a lifetime date that she would likely talk about for quite some time… “You’re never going to believe what this guy did on this horrible date I went on” type of stuff.

*Editors note for accuracy: This was not on our first date; we met up in Arlington a different time. I was not desperately chasing after Robert!

Phase 2: The Date

The date began smoothly. We talked about the usual first date stuff (i.e. what do you do, tell me about your family, college, etc.). We had spoken about some of this stuff prior to actually meeting up. One of our topics of conversation pre-date was the fact that we both went to George Mason University. We actually spoke quite a bit about this prior to our date. However… Krista got into talking about how she went to George Mason shortly after we sat down. I responded “Yes I remember discussing this.” She nodded her head and continued on about how she used to go to this diner place on campus. I said, “Yes, I know the place, because I used to go there.” She nodded her head and kept talking about certain things about Mason that I already knew about because, again, I went there too. After about 5 minutes of nodding my head and acknowledging a couple times that I knew what she was talking about, because I shared many of the same experiences, she stopped and asked, “Wait, did you go to Mason?!” I, for probably the 6th time, politely responded “Yes!” I wish I could have taken a picture to show you how red her face got.

A few minutes later we were telling each other funny stories about our pasts. I shared a few about pranks that my cousin and I pulled on some people growing up, and I had Krista laughing pretty hard. Then I asked her to share a funny story.

This was one of my favorite parts of the date.

Krista started going into detail about more memories from college (Uh oh, too much George Mason content. She’s starting to sound like the band camp girl from American Pie. This one time, at Mason…**). The problem with her funny story, however, is that Krista apparently likes to laugh when she tells funny stories. She was almost in tears. I’m not even going to get into a lot of detail about the content of the story, which included her and a friend putting some cupcakes (I could only assume chocolate cupcakes) in the toilets of the female bathrooms and then watching the reactions of everybody as they came out of the restroom. That was pretty much the entire story, but it took quite awhile to tell because Krista couldn’t stop laughing the entire time. Her laughing made the story ten times funnier, and it was pretty cute too.

Outside of these hilarious conversations, the date went without any issues. We covered many topics, joked with each other, and had solid conversation. After dinner we walked around outside and continued to talk. Finally the time came to walk her to her car. As we were walking into the dark, fairly empty garage, I recognized how uncomfortable this situation could be for a girl on a first date. To lighten the mood, I looked her in the eyes, remembered the “bun kiss” she experienced a few dates prior, and told her in the most serious tone I could, “Just so you know, I don’t kiss on a first date.”

Despite seeing the look of disappointment in her eyes after I told her that, I stood by my principles, gave her a hug, and watched her drive off.

I cannot write about her drive home, so you’ll have to ask her about that. All I know is that her phone (which is also her GPS) died at the start of her drive and she had to somehow deal with
that issue to navigate back to her house. ***

**I haven’t ever seen that movie, so I don’t get the reference, but figured y’all might still enjoy it.
***I will have to tell this story another day, as it was quite the adventure.

Phase 3: After Action Review

The final phase of the Krista experience is to make sure you complete a full, thorough report of all issues and concerns from the date and annotate them in a format you can clearly present to Krista. For me, that consisted of going back to my apartment and taking about an hour or so to write everything down from the date. A couple things were addressed in this post. Still others were not, but I can promise you that they were presented to Krista for her review. ****

Today’s Lesson: Do not shy away from Krista because of her potential to seriously harm your good name with her blog. Fire it right back at her. Let Krista know that if she acts up or steps out of line, she too will end up on her blog.

****For the record, this is a joke. I did not cut anything!

Victoria’s Secret Ain’t A Secret No More

Well, this tops out at the most embarrassing moment of my life. Alongside falling down an entire flight of stairs in front of the football team in high school, but let’s be real, almost anything embarrasses a high school girl.

I went on a very casual coffee date last week, and was excited to wear jeans and a new flannel shirt I got. I felt pretty darn cute as I was leaving the house, but was running late, so didn’t get a chance to glance in the mirror before I finally left.

Now I have a habit of staying in comfy clothes when I’m lounging at home, and typically do my hair and makeup first, then just throw on whatever outfit I’m going to wear.

As I was saying, this particular day I had to rush, so I grabbed the earrings I wanted to wear to put on in the car, and hurried out the door.

I rushed through the rain into the coffee shop and took off my coat. My date looked a bit surprised to see me, and I immediately felt a little self-conscious, but brushed it off and thought he might just be kind of nervous. The uncomfortable feeling kept coming back, though, because he kept glancing down instead of looking at my face if you catch my drift. Which I thought was funny, because there isn’t much to offer when you are wearing a flannel shirt (Or so I thought…).

Guys, I forgot to button most of my shirt. I think I missed like, four buttons at the top. I was wearing a very pretty pink lacy bra, too, which just made the situation even more uncomfortable.

I’m normally pretty good with dealing with situations like that, so when I got back from the restroom I was just like, “Um. I had no idea my shirt was like that, just FYI. This is really awkward and embarrassing because I feel like I probably gave off a hilariously wrong first impression.” I giggled awkwardly, as he chuckled and I’m sure was thinking about what a goof I was.

He said something along the lines of, “I was a bit confused when you first walked in, but I didn’t want to be rude and offend you.”

Men of the Internet — If you go out with a girl and she looks like she is having a major wardrobe malfunction, please SAY SOMETHING! Or better yet, females of the Internet — if you see a girl in my position please tell her she looks ridiculous! Nobody would do something like that on purpose. Life isn’t a Victoria’s Secret catalog.


Today’s lesson: always look in a full length mirror right before meeting up with a date.

What is your worst wardrobe malfunction? I think most of us have been here at some point, as I’ve heard stories from as little as needing to examine a zipper to horrifically tucking a skirt into underwear.

Wrecking My Date

Well, I have another good Krista story for you.

Last night I went on a date in the city, which has bad traffic and very little parking on the weekends.

I was right on time, but a little worried about finding a space for my car. As soon as Siri told me I had arrived at my destination, though, I saw a spot literally right in front of the restaurant! It was fairly tight, but I told myself I was a decent parallel parker (I knew deep down that I was lying to myself) and went for it.

Terrible idea.

First, it was super embarrassing because I basically had to stop traffic to even try to park. Second, my date and everyone in the front of the restaurant could see outside, and my only consolation was knowing that he had no idea what my car looked like.

After trying to ease my car into the spot I realized I was nowhere near the curb. I couldn’t just leave my car sticking out in the middle of the road, so I got back in the car and tried again. And again. And again.

Guys, what I am telling you is that I am a terrible parallel parker. Terrible. I blame Virginia for not requiring it in Drivers Ed class.

Anyway, this is basically what ended up happening:

Yes, I bumped the car behind me. No, I didn’t have as much room as Michael to park; my spot was really tight, so it wasn’t as ridiculous. I did end up having to write a note and leave it on the car behind me in front of everyone. There wasn’t any damage done since I just tapped the bumper, but I felt like it was the right thing to do regardless.

Today’s lesson: Don’t try to be someone you’re not. I’m not a good parallel parker, so I shouldn’t have acted like I was Dominic Toretto. I should have just driven like a Krista.

UPDATE: I’m More Than Just A Creeper

Things with this guy started out on the wrong foot when I accidentally acted like a major creeper, but I figured if he really thought I was weird he would have politely backed out of the date or even ghosted me.

He’ll think I’m cool when he gets to know me in person, I thought.

Well, we met and had a great date, but not until I embarrassed myself much further before even meeting the guy.

I woke up with plenty of time to get ready and make the drive to DC. For once I even showed up early to meet my date! I stood outside of the Air and Space Museum and texted him that I was under the statue by the entrance.

Screen Shot 2015-09-23 at 10.13.40 PM
This is very obviously “the statue in front of the museum.” Which is how I was able to quickly realize a mistake had been made when he didn’t see it. #smoothmove

A few minutes later he was like, “Wait, what statue? I’m right in front of the restaurant.”

I quickly realized I had gone to the wrong meeting place.

Crap. This guy must think I’m insane.

So after texting back and forth we decided to walk towards each other and go to the restaurant together. After mapping it I realized it was a thirty minute walk, so changed the plan a third time and decided to drive to him.

Then I found out there was a Spanish parade going on in DC. All of the roads were closed and long story short, it took like 30 minutes to get to the restaurant anyway.

I had made such an effort to get there on time, and ended up being over 30 minutes late. Great first impression, Krista (After being a creep too!).

Today’s lesson: If you’re at all like me, leave three hours before you think you need to be somewhere. When something can go wrong it will. At the same time, though, he got to see a day in the life of Krista on a first date, which isn’t such a bad thing. He’s been warned.

Update: I learned this guy is quite the trooper. I guess being a creep and a bit of a goof on a first date don’t necessarily mean you’re doomed… I was asked to go on a second date!