One of the questions I get asked the most is, “How do I stay friends with my ex?” My answer is simple enough to make one word: Don’t.
Y’all know I’m all about spreading kindness in the world. I strongly believe you should leave every person better than you found them, and one of my favorite quotes from Taylor Swift is,
“No matter what happens in life, be good to people. Being good to people is a wonderful legacy to leave behind.”
This is such a beautiful sentiment and I think making people’s hearts feel warm and fuzzy is such an amazing superpower we all have. One person you absolutely shouldn’t worry about making happy, though, is your ex. Whether you guys dated for 6 months or 6 years, there are very few circumstances where I think it’s healthy to remain friends with an ex once you’ve broken up.
Sometimes people argue that they think remaining friends is the “mature” thing to do, however, I think many often just an excuse to keep tabs on someone you once dated. As an adult it is so important to look out for your own mental health and wellbeing, and it’s rare that people end a relationship and one or both parties isn’t hurt by the breakup.
I’ve never stayed friends with anyone I dated. The way I see it, I already have enough friends, and there isn’t a place in my life for someone who was once romantically involved in my life. Furthermore, it saves the drama that could possibly come up when you find someone new. You don’t have to worry about your ex’s heart hurting, and you don’t have to make the special person in your life feel at all uncomfortable about a past.
If I saw any of my exes now I wouldn’t have any sort of feelings — negative or positive — about them. Time heals the heart well, and I couldn’t imagine being with anyone in the world other than Robert. Still, though, I don’t have a need for any of my past relationships. I learned the lessons I needed to from each of them, and hopefully anyone who’s gone out with me can say the same with the confidence that I wasn’t the right person for them.
My advice to you if you’re wondering when to reach out to someone you broke up with is to choose to never text them. Choose to move forward in your life, cut ties completely, and to realize that there are bigger and better things ahead of you. Unless this person is absolutely the exception to the rule and you feel like you want to try one last time to make things work, realize that there is someone out there who you won’t have the same problems in the relationship as your ex with. You likely didn’t work for a reason, and there are so many other people in the world that you can now have room to find a person who will work beautifully with you.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to tell you this will all be so easy. The first few days of a breakup are the hardest because you go from having someone in your every single day life to never talking again. Don’t use the excuse that you need to “be there for” your ex to talk them through your breakup, though. Block their number, delete them on all forms of social media, and cut ties in any way that you need to so that your heart can heal and you can have a new, healthy relationship one day. In the meantime, rely on friends and family to get you through your breakup and realize that your forever person is still out there — it just wasn’t your last boyfriend.
Krista Lauren 
Well said!
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Thanks so much Demetrius! I appreciate the kind words.
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This is beautiful and I read it at the right time. My ex who’s married been texting that he just wants us to be friends and that we should hang out. I’m like hey we’re not enemies but we def can’t be friends mister and he goes on about how it’s not fair.. Could you imagine?
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Girl, oh my gosh! That is not a fun situation to be in. You should count yourself lucky you didn’t end up with him though; I would be ticked if my husband was trying to create a new friendship with an ex!
My advice to you is to literally just ignore him if you are able. Don’t respond to his messages and block him on any website or your phone — trust me, he’ll get the hint fast! Even if he doesn’t you’ll never know because you’re going to just be moving on with your life without him. 😉
If you don’t want to go with that option I would just tell him that you aren’t looking for any new friends. You can sign it with something like, “Take care!” that makes it clear you are d-o-n-e talking to him. Good luck, Stellar! Let me know how it goes ❤
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And yes my forever person is not my last boyfriend but please what do you do when you have an old ex trying to come back?
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I agree with this. I really don’t believe in being friends with an ex, unless you have kids together. I’m not saying to be mean to them but don’t be the kind of friends where you have brunch on the weekends regularly. I have a hard time after breakups, so things like this really help me.
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YES, I agree completely. If children are involved you absolutely have to be civil with your ex – it’s not the child’s fault that the relationship didn’t work. That’s a great point!
I’m sorry you have a hard time after breakups – I know so many can relate. ❤ I hope you're doing alright now, and if not I know you will be soon enough. Time is the best thing to heal your heart. It sucks there isn't anything to speed it up, but it's comforting knowing that things do get better in time!
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Thank you, yes I am. 🙂 Time really does help. Also, having great supportive friends/family.
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Yes, so true! Friends and family can get you through so much.
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I’m not friends with any of my exes and sometimes I feel like people think I’m bitter because I choose not to be their friend, but it’s the only way I can heal!
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Haha right?! No, it’s not being bitter taking care of yourself. I think it makes the whole situation so much easier!
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I’ve actually been friends with all of my exes at one point or another. I know it muddles feelings for some, but I think it honestly depends on why you broke up and how you were as a couple. My last boyfriend and I broke up because he was restationed for the military and there weren’t any hard feelings between us because of it. Plus we had always had a solid friendship under our physical relationship. So keeping in touch has worked for us. But I understand that every situation is different and that my example is an unusual exception.
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I actually think there are the rare exceptions too who can kind of compartmentalize the romantic feelings and friend feelings too. Plus like you said, certain situations are the exception to the rule too! I just think for the *most* part people should be careful about doing that because often there are too many complications that come along with it. Thanks for sharing your story with me, girl! I’m glad that you’ve been able to find something that works for you (and more power to ya!). ❤
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I completely agreed with you, I am also sharing about the same topic here
https://foc.dating/blog/should-you-stay-friend-with-your-ex/
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