I would be lying if I said I wasn’t sometimes insecure about having a chronic illness.
I often try to hide my pain and symptoms, even from those I love most. First and foremost, because I want to try to ignore the fact that my life isn’t the way I wish it was. A part of me feels like if I try to shove all my frustrations with being sick deep down that some of them might disappear. Maybe if I close my eyes and pretend I’m not dizzy or hurting one day I’ll wake and that will be my reality.
Second, I hate sounding like a broken record. I’m in pain every day, so if I voice my discomfort people will get sick of being around me really, really fast. It’s kind of like when someone runs a race and keeps talking about how sore they are; it’s completely valid and understandable, but after being reminded for the fifth time that their legs hurt you wonder if they think you are hard of hearing. No one wants to hear about how I have sharp, painful triggerpoints in my shoulders or can’t load the dishwasher because it hurts my forearms to grip anything for more than a minute or two.
Third, I feel broken. I sometimes wonder why people still care about me since I can’t go out and have fun like a normal 26-year-old. I can’t give the acts of service to my friends and family that I’d like to, I don’t have a normal 9-5 job, and I need help with things that others do mindlessly on a daily basis. My parents have taken care of me since I got sick, and it’s been really hard to rely on others to do things that I want to be doing for myself. I’ve always been pretty independent, so giving up control in my life has been one of the toughest tasks.
My heart hurts because my head isn’t affected by this illness. I want to be able to run, dance, and crank out dozens of pages of words at a time. I want to be pressured by the journalism deadlines that were once the bane of my existence, and I wonder why my body has betrayed me and doesn’t allow the vigorous work ethic I once prided myself on. It hurts feeling like this illness hasn’t just taken some of my hobbies, but it has also stripped me of having a purpose on this earth.
That’s lie #1 I was fed when I first got sick. Deep down I know it isn’t true; I actually believe this is Satan’s disgustingly twisted game of trying to make a very complete and beautiful soul feel worthless. Worthlessness is a dangerous feeling because it’s based on a lie that only seems real to the person feeling it. I strongly believe every single person placed on this earth has a purpose they are here, including myself. I think each human being can add invaluable love, kindness, and strength to the world if they choose to give it. Each individual has some sort of special “X factor” that they can offer people in their life.
God wrote in Psalm 139:14 that each and every one of us was fearfully and wonderfully made. This means that we were made with His very own heart taking an interest in us, and that He made us different than anyone else. It means He cares about us more than we could ever understand.
That being said, I know so many others who are also different in one way or another and have had this feeling on some level. The next several weeks I am going to be completely smashing this fabrication and showing that the feelings of worthlessness are based on a complete lie. Whether or not you are a regular reader or you’re new here, I would love if you would be patient and stick around until I get to the main point of these posts. This message is so important, and I want to connect to your heart and help it listen to how I have begun to debunk the lies that the evil in the world wants us to believe.
In case you don’t come back, just know that you are a valuable part of society and you can make a much greater impact than you even realize. God gives incredible blessings to those who keep pushing forward and He can create a really beautiful masterpiece from brokenness. You just have to stick around to see what the beauty in your hardship is. Sometimes it won’t be as obvious as you might hope, but He sprinkles light into even the darkest of stories.
2 thoughts on “Life As A Burden To All”
As a fellow believer who struggles with a chronic illness this post resonates loudly with me.
I had this thought while reading it. When we are with another human being, and the subject of our illness is on our mind we have a choice. I can initiate a conversation about the illness in that particular moment, or I can choose not to. I think my friend Brian and me have that struggle. We both fight depression, but we don’t want it to define us. There are actually some moments that pass that the subject of depression does not cross our lips.
I don’t know the answer, but I’m like you I don’t want someone not to want to be around me because I’m always complaining about my illness. My illness is front and center in my mind right now because something happened this morning at McDonalds with a perfect stranger in front of my daughter. I apologized to my daughter for the way I behaved. It distressed her a great deal, but thankfully Taylor’s latest album Reputation got our minds off it on the way to school.
God gives us escape from the chains we bear, and times like this where we bare them to each other our burdens are lifted.
You are an amazing woman Krista, and I’m so glad we’re friends. I hope to meet you face to face one day. Grace and peace.
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I’m sorry that you were able to relate to this, as I know it’s not easy having an illness. I think it’s great you have a good friend you can confide in, though! I’m learning it’s important to be able to voice your frustrations with others. That’s something I have to work on.
Taylor Swift is great; I’m so glad you and your daughter have that to bond you! It’s wonderful you listen to things she likes and you guys can enjoy something like that together. I happen to like the album a lot, too! 😛
God bless, and I hope you have a great day!
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