Hello, Anxiety

Hello, anxiety! I’m surprised you haven’t been lurking around this entire week.

I’ve had some moments in these quarantined times, but been surprisingly calm throughout. I may not look calm with wiping down furniture and Lysoling the light switches and door knobs at night, but I haven’t had the pit in my stomach and tightness in my chest that manifests on even just a normal Tuesday sometimes. I’ve just been taking necessary precautions to stay healthy if possible, and trying to take everything day by day.

Last night I had my first mini panic as I was trying to fall asleep. This morning I woke up with a pit too. Not because I didn’t take things seriously before, but because I’m just feeling a little scared today. I thought a little more about the future, rather than the present, and feel frustrated with the way so many people are still handling things. I don’t understand why we didn’t do a mandatory shutdown a lot sooner, and am still wondering when everything will actually be forced to shut down. I see pictures of idiots in Florida all going to the beach, and people flocking to all the same areas. I hear about teenagers thinking it’s funny to make a video coughing on produce in the stores, and am thinking about all of the innocent nurses and doctors who are being exposed because of other people’s actions. I’m sick of seeing posts in groups that say, “You gotta live a little,” accompanied by pictures of crowded walkways and gatherings. These posts get shamed, but I don’t think the OP understands that those of us who are quarantining ourselves are not doing it because we don’t want to have lives or are shaking in our boots — we’re doing it because it is the easiest, most obviously clear way to flatten the curve and make life easier on every single human who is out fighting this right now. If we can stop the Coronavirus spread, we will have time to go out and live our lives more normally, much faster. It will still require so much patience and cooperation, but one day we’ll be able to go out and see our friends and family again.

My anxiety is usually brought upon by things I cannot control, and other people often fall in this category. This time, strangers are causing the restlessness in my chest. I think it will probably ebb and flow over the course of the next several months, but I’m going to do some deep breathing and be grateful for what I have today. I didn’t have much of a purpose to this post, other than just documenting feelings each day to see how they change. My journal is getting a little break, and in the meantime I’ll keep this updated.